My life is one complicated problem! Normally, when I discover an irritating problem, I snatch up my bow and ride out into the forest with my favorite horse. But I feel as if I need something bigger now. Hence the diary.
James married a merchant's daughter! What is wrong with him? He did not even invite us to the wedding! Selfish beast! Jaden and Justin are marrying princesses! Mother is proud at least! But Jaden is marring a spoiled brat, and he courted her disguised as a frog! What on Royaume is wrong with him? Hold on, I am getting ahead of myself.
Jaden, is my oldest brother. He is twenty-one and bossy. He is marrying the princess Elaine, a spoiled bratty princess. Justin and James are twins. They are nineteen. Justin is lazy, but he kissed a princess and now they have to get married. James is a selfish beast and he somehow tricked or forced a merchant's daughter to marry him. I am Joseph and nearly had to marry Elaine. Luckily Jaden got her instead. I am Eighteen. John is my twin brother, he hates everything. I doubt he will ever get married. Jerome is my youngest brother. He is sixteen and is just a big baby. Elise is my little sister, she is pretty babyish too. She's only fifteen.
Now that I have introduced my siblings, lets get back to the topic of me- wait, I do not think we were ever discussing me. Whoops! Well anyway, Jaden and Justin are having a double wedding in six days. James will be coming home for the first time in several months. I am so not looking forward to that.
Man, I keep getting off topic. What I am trying to say is that I got slapped in the face by a fairy today! I am not sure what went wrong, but it did! She is the same dumb fairy who keeps bothering my brothers too! No wonder Justin hated her! Can't blame him! I don't really remember the particulars! So I guess that is all for today.
Joseph Son of Jasper the VI
I peeked inside Jaden's froggy diary, man was it dull and BORING! Some talented frog, he was writing! Mother was making a big deal about my writing, and I am a man! Jaden writing would have blown her mind! Say, I just realized something! I'm hysterically funny!!!! If you ignorant people, who will read my diary in about say a hundred and two years, do not know what that means, I shall explain. It means that I am more funny then you and you are just a stupid clod! HAHA!
I am not sure where I was going with this whole thing- oh yes, as I was saying, Jaden's diary was boring, because he did not address it to anyone. As for me, I shall began mine with, Dear Me. Is that not sophisticated. That my dear future clods, means important and better then you.
Anyway, the news of the day is that I went for a walk in the woods. Oh to be sure I avoided Prince Brataroo's summer palace. It was even easy to do. All I did was go in the opposite direction. Easy! I bet you never thought of such a thing! But I'm getting side tracked again.
Well, I was walking in the woods. Not really, doing much. Just scuffing leaves and wondering why Jaden would ever want to marry Princess Brataroo, even if she did turn him back into a man. Suddenly, I see this. A tower in the middle of nowhere. Literally! It was in a big empty patch, which was surrounded by a tight ring of rocks, boulders and brush. Almost like a natural wall. I wonder who lives there? Perhaps, I shall go back one day. Who knows.
Joseph Son of Jasper the VI
Dear Me with a capitol M,
So today I returned to the tower. How wonderful, I got right on topic today. I feel proud. Now where was I? Oh yes, the tower. Anyway, my glorious return was combined with a little hunting trip. I brought Lasso and Polo too. Who is Lasso and Polo, the ignorant fool might ask. Well, Lasso just happens to be my own best friend. A hound dog, which I raised all by my old self. Polo is my horse. I never go anywhere without him. You want to know why? Well, I say it is because if I did not take little old Polo with me, I would have to walk. That would be terrible. Hmm... I believe I may have gotten off topic. I guess I better get back on.
Well, I rode up to the tower, then hopped off Polo's back and looked for a door. Believe it or not, there was no door! So I have a little mystery on my hands. A hidden tower with no door! I think I love mysteries! They are so exciting! I am a good detective too! I figured out that there was someone inside the tower. You want to know how I know? Well, I think I shall tell you anyway. I was walking around the tower for the hundredth time, when I heard someone singing. Something about wishing on stars and other such rubbish, but that is not the important bit. Anyway, if there was singing, then logically, there must be a person, therefore the tower is occupied! See, brilliant! Now I just have to figure out how to get inside the tower. Not to mention figuring out, how this mysterious singer got inside it. There must be a door somewhere.
Do you know what I shall do? I shall make a hunting trip of this venture and stay the night in the forest. I shall camp I think I shall camp by the tree. That way I can keep an eye on the tower. Perhaps the singer has wings. Maybe she will fly out and introduce herself. Anyway, I plan on being right here, so I can get a good look at her. Maybe she is a bird. This is going to be fun!
Joseph the curious detective
It was very early this morning, I mean really early. The sun was only just starting to come up. Well, I was awakened by someone talking.
“Rapunzel? Rapunzel, you selfish brat, wake up?” someone with a very good pair of lungs was screeching. This selfish woman was destroying my beauty sleep. The nerve! Well, anyway, I got up, and grabbed my bow and arrows. You never know when the odd chance will come, where an arrow will accidentally slip of the string and kill someone you are angry with. I did not want to spoil my very possible chances. After all this person who dearly wanted Rapunzel to wake up, ought to know that there could be other sleeping nearby.
Standing at the foot of the tower was a woman. I would not know if she was young or not. But her face could have soured sugar! I think her hair was either black or blond, I am not really certain. A fellow cannot be expected to know everything. I believe she had some sort of gray cat. Or it possibly was a brown dog creature. As I sad before, a fellow cannot know everything.
I was still staring at this rather impressive woman, who was screeching her fool head off, when a second woman appeared in the window of the tower.
“Oh sister Gothel?” she calls, “Are you returned?” Now this is really stupid, since this sister Gothel has obviously returned.
“Rapunzel, throw down your hair or you shall get no dinner!” sister Gothel retorts. Her little beastie yowls and curdles my ears. But anyway, I could have been hearing things. There is know way this Rapunzel would take off her hair and throw it down, just by lemon face's say so.
You will never believe what happened! Not in a thousand years! Rapunzel threw her braid out the window! It was literally fifteen feet long if not longer! I am serious! I knew you would not believe me! WOW! I am really shocked! Phew! This is literally insane. WOW! It also happens to be very blond, and shines like gold! WOW! I could totally get used to staring at hair like that, no matter how ugly the face was.
I was still admiring that rotten hair, when Lasso goes charging out of our hiding place and starts barking wildly.
“Wild dogs, sister!” Rapunzel screeches. Sister Gothel puts down her mutt.
“Sic him darling Lolo, my sweet little pet!” she coos. As I escape on Polo I wonder who would be fool enough to name their good for nothing cat, or is it a dog, Lolo? Sappy!
Joseph the informed
Dear exhausted Me,
Sweet darling little Lolo, who is really an evil vicious reincarnation of the black lord, chased poor me, Polo and Lasso all the way to the edge of the forest yesterday. It took forever to get back. I believe I shall lodge a complaint with someone or other! I am seriously put out! But I shall go back and believe me, as soon as I retrieve my bow and one arrow, I shall put an end to darling sweet little Lolo.
I reached the tower by late afternoon, but some jerk had stolen my bow and arrows! I shall really file a complaint now! But HA I know the secret to getting into the tower, and believe me, I shall use it! Can you guess what I am about to do?
I found myself a nice stout stick, then marched up to that crummy tower. Polo and Lasso trailed a long behind me. It feels good to have a little backup, even if they are only a horse and a dog! They are my best friends! All those of you who are dumb enough to remember that I have a twin brother, don't you dare ask why he isn't my best friend! If he was my best friend, he would be right here with me, getting torn to pieces by Lolo the evil little thing!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I found the stick. It was nice and stout, remember? Well, I banged on the side of the tower with it.
“Rapunzel, oh Rapunzel let down your braid! Your very long braid!” I yelled. The girl's face appeared in the window.
“Who in the name of Gascony are you?” she shrieked.
“I don't know this Gascony.” I told her, “But I have a bone to pick with dear sister Gothel witch and her disgusting rodent! Now let down your hair, a ladder would be preferable, but hair will do just fine!” She slammed the shutters on the window! Without letting down her hair. Lasso growled at her. All I could do was bend down, pet him and call him a good dog.
Joseph the very angry prince
Dear still angry and slightly bored me,
I am yawning! I am so bored! I had to come home, because the wedding was today. Did Jaden and Justin really have to have their weddings in the middle of my busiest day? Ugh! I hate weddings! I was late arriving home, so I did not have time to change. I ran straight to the chapel. To make matters worse, I forgot to lock Lasso in the stable with Polo, so Lasso followed me into the chapel. Justin was saying his vows when I burst into the chapel. Lasso ran straight up the isle and jumped up on Princess Eleanor. Her gown isn't very white anymore. She started screaming.
“What am I supposed to to do?” Justin asked with a shrug.
“Say I do!” James yelled. His wife, that merchant's daughter, hit him! Quite satisfying.
“Joseph!” mother screech, nearly bursting my eardrums.
“I do!” Justin yelled.
“Mama, Joseph is ruining the wedding!” tattle tale Elise screeches.
“Joseph, stop!” Jaden yells, “Get this mutt of your new sister-in-law!”
“I think she looks good with mutt prints on her!” Brateroo Elaine says. I have to agree with her.
“Oh boy, some real fun!” Jerome yells.
“Boo!” my cousin Kane jeers. My aunt starts yelling at him. Polo and I slink out of the chapel. I really hate weddings.
Joseph the grounded and very much in trouble prince.
Dear Lonely Me,
I am in so much trouble! Mother has forbidden me to leave my bed chamber. She has assured me that I am grounded from everything fun! It is so not fair! Elise came by to see me, after the first long hour.
“Mama, says you are a very naughty boy!” she said coolly. Girls are really big pains.
“I am hardly a naughty boy, anymore!” I snapped, “I'm a grownup!” She cocked her head, in that irritating girlish way.
“Well, then you are a very evil Prince!” she said, “The kind that try to kill their nephews, in all the stories!” Not that I care what my little child sister thinks of me, she made me nervous. The evil princes in the stories, always came to a really bad end! Jailed for life! Hanged! Beheaded! Banished!
“Get out of here!” I yelled at her, “I don't need to kill Jaden to get this rotten castle! I got my own princess!” I was sorry as soon as the words had left my mouth. OOPS! Elise is the biggest gossip too! I am so doomed!
“You? A princess?” she laughed scornfully.
“You would be surprised!” I snarled.
“Not really!” she said with a sneer, “After all, Justin married that merchant's daughter!”
“Because no princess would have him!” I snapped.
“And James married Princess Eleanor!” Elise continued.
“And Jaden married the brataroo!” I cried impatiently. Elise raised her eyebrows.
“If they could get married, I have every belief that you-”
“You know what.” I interrupted, “Elaine is not as big of a brat as you!” She glared at me.
“MOTHER?” she screamed, then went running down the corridor, “MOTHER? Joseph is calling me a brat!” Me and my big mouth! I am so doomed to spend eternity in this chamber! Blast! Well, the minute I am allowed out, I am heading right back to the forest! I would rather fight sweet darlin' what's its name then be bored to death!”
Joseph the ill-treated prince
Dear still lonely me,
I am bitter again. I am really bitter! I mean really really bitter! Should I capitalize it? Yes? IT! HAHA! I am so funny! To bad no one else thinks so! Anyway, I had plenty of time yesterday to think up some funny jokes. I tried a few on John when he came up for bed, but he has no sense of humor.
I actually forgot what I was going to write. Oh yes, mother said I could go hunting if John went with me. She says I need a chaperone. A chaperone!!!??!! John is my twin brother! My younger twin brother! I am so offended! Besides he hates hunting! UGH! It is so not fair! She was basically saying no!
After lunch, John comes into the chamber for his dancing shoes! DANCING SHOES? Why would a fellow need dancing shoes! He hates dancing! For a person that hates everything, he certainly is dedicated to everything!
“John drop those high heeled ladies shoes and go hunting with me!” I tell him in my nicest voice.
“You could say please!” he replied without even looking at me. I do not need to worry about my manners until he has gained a few! UGH!
“Never mind the please, lets leave right now!” I said. When a fellow is in a hurry, he can't waist time being polite.
“Goodbye!” John says and takes off, leaving me to suffer another whole day in our bed chamber. I am so going to kill him!
Joseph the prince who wishes he did not have a twin brother
Dear clever crafty me,
I am so smart! Oh wait, let me get the part over with, where I am not so smart! Somehow or other Elise spread the story throughout the entire castle that I had a secret love in the forest! Girls are so small minded! I said I had a princess, I never said I had a secret love! Where did she get that idea from? Mother wanted me to tell her weather or not my love was a princess, and if she was going to inherit a glorious kingdom. Mother always thinks about the details like that.
“I shall be sure to ask her.” I told mother.
Then Jaden comes in. He has this stupid look on his face. It is the, I am older then you and so much smarter, look.
“Joseph, I know you rarely think and act impulsively.” he said. I recognized the beginning of an elderly brother lecture.
“I'm not the one that got himself turned into a frog!” I told him. He left. Sheesh! One would think he was offended.
Then James comes in the room. Whatever advice he plans on giving me, about my secret love is sure to be terrible.
“Joseph, when you propose to your darling, just because she says no does not mean, you won't get her if you ask about twenty more times.” he told me. That's actually pretty good advice. But apparently the merchant's daughter didn't think so. She grabbed him by the ear and told him he would make a terrible father! UGH! I'm to old to be an uncle! I feel ancient! I'm going to die alone and unloved! I could cry!
I shut the door in Justin's face before he could give me any advice. They think that just because they are married, they know more about courting then me! But I know twice as much as them! James was a beast. He scared Belle into excepting him. Justin courted a sleeping girl. And Jaden was a frog. Elaine couldn't get anyone else to marry her! She's probably sad that I turned her down flat!
Oh, I believe I forgot about my cleverness. Allow me a moment to bask in all your admiration. Now I shall tell you what I did that was so gloriously clever. Hold on a second, I have to think. Blast it all, I cannot remember! BLAST! I got sidetracked! Oh well! Anyway, father said I was free. So I am going to ride back up to the tower and camp there again! I just need to collect Lasso from the butcher shop. Mother sent him to be made into dog food! CRUEL!
Joseph the wisest of the wise
Dear Very Happy Me,
Lasso and I took off for the forest at first light. I had to walk, because the stable was still locked. The lazy horse master was still snoring in bed! It of course would not do to awaken him up. He is half drunk all the time and would probably get me grounded again. After all everyone else has priorities when it comes to hurt feelings!
Unfortunately it took forever and then some to get to the forest. I mean the tower. I was already in the forest. The castle is in the forest. Actually all the land around here is in the forest, but that is hardly the point. Anyway, I went back to the tower. This time I was going up, and introducing myself. If Gothel happened to be around with her murderous pet, I could easily throw them into a rose bush. I think.
I marched up to the tower, picked up my stick and banged on the tower again. After all there is nothing like repeating yourself, when it went so well last time.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!” I yelled, “If you do I might even say thank you!” The girl with weird name, stuck her head out the window.
“You again?” she demanded.
“Is Gothel in?” I asked. Better be safe then sorry.
“Is that any of your business?” she asked. She sounded bitter.
“Actually, I just dropped by to say hello, and was wondering if my dog and I could come up for a visit?” I said. If Lolo was up there, I needed to have Lasso at my side. Rapunzel laughed. I scowled. Girls were rotten creatures.
“You could never get that creature up here!” she said. Girls have no faith in men.
“Lower your hair, and I will prove you wrong!” I retorted.
Well, surprisingly Rapunzel did lower her hair. GROSS! It was really hair! I have to touch a girl's hair! UGH! GROSS! I mean, however did she get hair long enough to use for a ladder! I smell really stinky magic here! Blew! I grabbed hold of that horrible stringy stuff and started climbing. She had wrapped the other end of her hair around a hook, to prevent her hair from being jerked out by its roots. I suppose that is pretty smart.
I finally slid through the window and found myself in the tower. The room we were in was a circular room, with a twisting staircase, then went both up and down. The walls were draped with huge curtains, which had been pulled back, revealing beautiful paintings. Forest and sky scenes. Not that I cared much for the fairies. Also there did not seem to be any men in the paintings.
“You did not bring the dog!” she informed me. DARN! I had it all planned. I was going to carry Lasso in one arm, while I hoisted myself up with my free hand. Touching the hair had distracted me.
“Hold on, I got it.” I said. I stood up and peered out the window. Then I grabbed hold of the braid and jiggled it. Lasso grabbed it and I started hoisting him up.
“Get that animal out of my hair!” Rapunzel cried. Lasso tried to growl at her. But by doing so, he had to let go of her hair. Bad luck!
“I guess you don't want to see the dog then.” I grumbled.
“Not in my hair!” she retorted.
There was an awkward pause. For those of you who do not know what an awkward pause is, it is when everyone stops talking and stares at each other. Usually one finds, all knowledge has left their minds and they cannot even remember their own name. I felt like that. She was staring at me, with one eyebrow raised. I was starting to feel creeped out, and wondered if it was my hair that was bothering her. I hadn't had it cut in awhile.
“So you must be a man.” Rapunzel said after I very nearly decided to jump out the window. Of course I was a man. What one Royaume was she thinking?
“Er- yes!” I said.
“Hmmm... you look nothing like the descriptions sister Gothel gave me.” she said, “Your teeth are as flat as mine.” WHAT? I began to edge away from her. Which unfortunately was in the opposite direction from the window. “Also your hair does not stick up on end.” she continued. I ran a hand through my thick and very messy hair. “You don't appear to have claws.” Had this woman never seen a man before? What kind of rubbish did her sister tell her. “Your eyes do not burn with evil fire.” WHAT? Evil fire? Either she is insane or Gothel is! “Your beard is not wild and bushy either!” I scowled. I did not really have a beard, more like a scraggly weak excuse of one. “All in all, I think I like you!” Why thank you ma'am!
I scowled at her. If it was possible, I would have made my eyes burn with evil fire and swiped her with my terrible claws.
“What is the outside world like?” she asked in a pleading voice, “I need to know! Mama and Gothel refuse to tell me.”
“Your mother is clearly insane!” I said loftily, “Your Gothely sister is obviously demented-” I froze, just out the tower window I could see Gothel and her possessed pet striding towards the tower. I grabbed Rapunzel's arm. She turned.
“Oh dear!” she said. I said something stronger.
“Quick, the back window!” Rapunzel cried, as she unwrapped her hair from the hook. Did she think I was really going to run from her awful hag sister and her disgusting pet? I punched open the shutters to the back window, and had one leg out it before Rapunzel came with her hair.
“Hurry, or I jump!” I ordered.
“I ought not to have let you in!” she moaned. To bad! I was totally coming back, as soon as possible. As I slid down the hair, I heard Gothel screeching for Rapunzel to let her in. Lasso came running to greet me, and the two of us took off as fast as we could.
Joseph the very brave
Dear Sick Me,
Apparently mother decided that I am sick. So what if I have slight headache and my face is all red? Father says I either ate something bad. That could have have been those berries I ate on the way home yesterday. Or that I have been running through poison leaf bushes. I bet both were right. Whoops! Well, anyway, I cannot get back to the tower, because I have stay in bed. The merchant's daughter was nice, and made me a pie. You know what, perhaps she is not as bad as I expected. Elise never made me a pie. I suppose that means that Belle is a better sister then her. The brat told me I was irresponsible and Eleanor agreed. So currently I am mad at both of them, and because I am mad at them, I have to be mad at Jaden and Justin too. After all they did marry them. If I get married, I shall definitely marry someone who has very long golden blond hair. Beautiful sparkling blue eyes, and is tall. This description reminds me of someone. I cannot think who at the moment. I am too sick.
Joseph the miserable
Dear Desperately in Need of Good Advice Me,
In the middle of the night, I realized who the woman of my dreams reminds me of. Rapunzel! So I do have a secret love in a tower. HORRIBLE! This is downright embarrassing! First thing in the morning, I made John fetch Jaden. I was going to swallow my pride and ask him for advice. Being the oldest, he probably has some good advice. Hopefully! Maybe there is a way I can ask for it, without making him realize that Elise was right about the girl.
“You want what?” he bellowed when I asked him off offhandedly. Sheesh! Did he think I was not entitled to a little curiosity?
“I said, how did you introduce yourself to Elaine?” I repeated.
“No, what was the part, where I thought you said you wanted advice?” he gasped. I scowled. I could already tell that his advice was not going to be good. In fact I have this little feeling that just perhaps his advice would be degrading.
“Alright, alright!” I snarled, “Just tell me how one introduces oneself to a girl, so they don't toss you out the window!” I cross my arms and tried to look angry. It was a little awkward since I was lying down on a bed.
“You are nice.” Jaden began. He sounded week. I scowled harder. I was already nice!
“Saving a younger siblings life is a good suggestion.” He added, still sounding like a dying frog. Sheesh! Does that mean I have to save sister Gothel? Why it would probably be me that was trying to kill her in the first place!
“Well,” he looked uncomfortable, “It does not hurt to be persistent.”
“That is it?” I shouted, “Be nice, save a sibling and be persistent?”
“Calm down, Joseph!” Jaden said.
“Why?” I snarled, “I'm stuck in my bed, with nothing to do but die, and hear bad advice!”
“That was actually good advice!” he retorted. He is really immature. Then he stalked out of the room. I believe I shall sulk for the rest of the day. If the physician says I have to stay in bed one more day, I will slit his throat and leave anyway.
Joseph the sulky but scheming prince
Dear Tired Me,
Maybe I should have listened to the physician. My head feels dizzy, and every time Polo jolts me, I feel as if I am falling to bits. UGH! In spite of my pains I made it to the tower in one piece. PHEW! Before calling for Rapunzel and went through my list a few times. Be nice! Save Gothel! Be Persistent! If Jaden can do it, so can I!
“Ho Rapunzel?” I yelled. She stuck her blond head out the window.
“You again?” she asked, then laughed, “What do you want?”
“I want you to let down your hair, so I can come up and visit!” I said. That was pretty nice right? She wrapped her braid around the hook and tossed the end down to me.
Once more I felt repulsed by the idea of touching her hair. But I climbed up anyway. Once in side, she unwrapped her hair and pulled it back inside.
“Please, sit down.” she said quietly. Hmmm... it sounds like Jaden was giving her advice too. This is suspicious. I sat down on a straight back chair. She sat down on a tall stool and started rocking it.
“So, why is your hair so long?” I asked. I don't think that was very nice, but I guess I will have to work with it.
“My mama never cuts it.” she replied. That's a bit simple, but Jaden said be persistent.
“But isn't that a bit long even a bit for never having it cut?” Wow! This conversation is really going poorly!
“Er- I think my hair might be magical.” she said. She looking embarrassed. Magic? I must have gotten in with a crazy woman. It might be time to change the conversation.
“So when is your sister Gothel coming back?” I asked. That did not sound as good as if did in my head.
“Oh she visits once or twice a weak.” she murmured.
“Do you think she may be in danger of death soon?”
“Never mind!” This is really going bad.
I was starting to wish that maybe I had brought Jerome to help with the talking, when I Lasso started barking. Rapunzel rushed to the window.
“If that is Gothel, please introduce us.” I said quickly, then added under my breath, “Unless of course she has sweet little Lolo with her.”
“No.” Rapunzel moaned.
“Oh if you don't want to introduce us, then I shall be off.” I felt a bit insulted.
“It is mama!” Rapunzel hissed. She looked terrified.
“You know what, I hate to brake into a tender family moment.” I said smoothly, “Do you think that perhaps-”
“The back window!” Rapunzel cried, and rushed across the room.
“Rapunzel?” someone screeched from below. Someone with a nasty voice, “Rapunzel let down your hair!” she sounded cross. Time to go.
Joseph who still won't meet his girl's family
Dear Persistent me,
So I went back to Rapunzel's tower today. Jaden said be persistent, so I shall take his advice. But believe me when I say that it is a hard job trying to be nice and persistent at the same time. I asked her what other uses there were for long hair besides using it as a ladder.
“Nothing much.” she admitted. I was more then a little disgusted.
“It would make a great swing!” I told her. We climbed up onto the roof of the tower and tied her braid to one of the turrets. Then we went good old fashioned rope swinging. Or in our case, hair swinging. It was a lot of fun until we crashed into the tower. OUCH! I skinned my arm and got blood all over her dress.
“Lets do something else.” she mumbled. So we went back into the tower.
Rapunzel got out some cloth and queer looking glass jars. Then she poured a stinging foul smelling brownish substance over my our cuts. She had to use a lever to pry me off the wall.
“Ouch!” I screamed, heedless of fast disappearing dignity, “OUCH! Call the physicians! The skin is burning off my shoulder! OUCH!” I grabbed hold of the drapes that covered the wall and was half way up them, before they ripped down.
“The skin was off your shoulder anyway!” Rapunzel told me. She had no sympathy at all. I think I hate her.
“So what else can your hair do?” I squeaked, once the burning had subsided in my shoulder. I made a vow never to swing on hair again.
“I can use it like a lasso!” she said.
“Like my dog?” I asked. What she had said made no sense at all. But I of course was to polite to say so.
“No, silly.” she laughed. She laughed at me? How dare her! I scowled angrily, as she tied the end of her braid into a loop. It looked like a hangman's noose. She walked across the room carrying the noose. I watched her warily. This did not look promising. She tossed the noose up in the air, and used the braid like a rope. For a few seconds she kept the noose dancing in the air, then she sent it spinning straight towards me. Plop! It dropped over my head.
“UGH!” I screamed. I should have realized she would try to hang me. I tried to make a dash for the window, but the noose pulled tight. I could not breathe. I grabbed at the braid and tugged. It got tighter. I dropped to the floor with an undignified gurgle.
“Oh dear!” the witch laughed. Then she pulled the noose off. I gasped for breath. I needed to get out of there.
“I am so persistent.” I croaked, “But it is killing me.” I coughed and took a few more deep gulps of fresh air.
“I am sorry.” she said humbly, “Do you want to see what else it does?” I backed away from her warily. This did not look promising. She untied the noose. I breathed a sigh of relief. A big sigh. Once more she went to the other end of the room. I edged towards the window. I was not going to be caught unawares this time.
“Ready.” I muttered. She cracked that crusty braid like a whip. As it snaked towards me, I yelped and started to climb out the window. The braid caught me in the face. It felt worse then the time James dared me to stick my head in a bee hive. I lost my balance and tumbled out the window. Then I died! The END!
“Sir man, are you alright?” Rapunzel screamed as she rushed to the window. I forced my eyes opened, and found that I was holding onto the braid. My feet were two inches from the ground and Lasso was licking my sore shoulder. I am so going to rename him!
“Just leaving.” I mumbled as I forced my hands to let go of the braid. I was running before I touched the ground.
Joseph the terrified prince
Dear not persistent me,
So Jaden's advice was rotten! Therefor I must go to the next best. Justin! He must have something worth hearing. Of course if he tells me to be persistent and save a baby sibling I shall do something really harsh to him. Rapunzel is killing me! Jaden's advice is killing me too!
“You need advice?” Justin asked me in a very slow voice. Does he think he is a sloth or something?
“I need advice now!” I shouted, “Surely you courted Eleanor somehow!”
“She was asleep most of the time.” he said with a shrug.
“And to think I told you to speed up!” I snarled, “I think I know more then you do!”
“Saving her life might help.” he suggested, “Also getting hurt and lettering her take care of you.” Hmm.. not bad. Saving her life is a lot better then saving Gothel. I could always push her out of the tower, then rescue her at the last minute. Letting her take care of me will certainly not work. She already did that!
“Thank you for the advice my dear brother.” I said as I pounded him on the back. His blue eyes bulged.
“What?” he gulped. I had never realized that he actually resembled a dead fish, “Did you just thank me?” he has the brains of a dead fish too!
“Goodbye!” I shouted and took off. If I left right away I could escape having to talk with him again. Unfortunately Eleanor blocked my path.
“Whatever you are up to, don't take Justin's advice. In fact don't take any of your brother's advice!” she told me in a very bossy voice. Just as I was about to retort, I realized that she was a girl. So she probably knows.
“What do you suggest?”
“Find out what she wants!” Eleanor said, “Then give it to her!” What horrible advice.
Joseph who gets to much rotten advice.
Dear perplexed me,
I did not go back to the tower yesterday or today. I still got to think. Maybe I shall go tomorrow or tonight. Should I take Jaden's advice and shove Gothel out the window. Or take Justin's advice and shove Rapunzel out the window. Perhaps Eleanor was right. Maybe I should just buy her as much sweets and roses as I could find. That has got to be her dearest wish. At least I assume it is. All girls seem to like that kind of rubbish.
I had a sparring lesson on horseback today, along with John and Jerome. So well the three of us whacked at each other, I asked for their opinions on Jaden and Justin's advice. I forgot that one should never ask Jerome a question.
“Well, I may not be an authority on the subject of ladies.” Jerome began, in that smug voice that meant exactly the opposite.
“Here we go again.” John sighed. He sounded bored.
“But I can assure you, no lady would ever appreciate being pushed out of a tower.” Jerome continued, “Nor would she appreciate you shoving her sister out. Also she would take the sweets and flowers, then go flirt with someone else.”
“I doubt that will be a-” Jerome did not let me finish, but continued ranting.
“But of course, all girls are overly romantic. Therefore your love would probably become more attached to you for throwing her out and rescuing her at the last second. It would be so romantic, that she would overlook the fact that you threw her out in the first place. Believe me if her sister is as attractive as your love, do not even dream about rescuing her after you throw her out the window. That would make you sister madly in love with you. Your love will grow jealous. So insanely jealous that she will poison you and her sister.” I shuddered. “Of course if you keep bringing her sweets and roses she will look forward to your visits. But in the end all you will have is a broken heart. As for you money, you shall be lucky if you have so much as a farthing left.” I knocked Jerome off his horse and galloped off. I had learned absolutely nothing.
Joseph who is suffering from an earache
Dear overly tired me,
To all men out there, let me give you a word of advice. Never promise to give a lady her dearest wish until you know what it is! I learned very much from that mistake.
I arrived at the tower midday. I had a bag of sweets and a large bouquet of flowers in Polo's saddle bag. I had even groomed Lasso, whom from now on I shall be calling Punz, for reasons no one needs to be knowing. I knocked on the tower.
“Rapunzel are you home?” I called in a honey sweet voice. She appeared at the window.
“You came back?” she cried. I could almost believe she sounded happy.
“Of course I came back!” I cried, “Can I come up?”
“Just a minute.” she called back, then wrapped her braid around the hook and lowered it down to me.
Once I reached the tower I realized that I had left the flowers and sweets n the saddle bag. Once I finished cursing myself, I remembered my manners. I bowed gracefully. I even managed to regain my balance after almost tripping. For some reason she was laughing. Perhaps she is not used to such gallantry.
“My dear Rapunzel, what do you desire most?” I asked. She stared at me. I wondered if perhaps I should have bowed after the question.
“To know your name.” she said. What kind of stupid wish was that.
“You want to know my name?” I yelped, “What happened with wanting good old fashioned sweets and beautiful roses?”
“What happened to damsels in distress fainting and singing? What happened to girls liking flowers?”
“How can a girl ask for something so dumb?” I noticed that her arms were crossed and she had one eyebrow raised. “What?”
“I would still like to know your name.” she said. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
“Joseph!” I said bluntly, “It is easy to remember, because all my brothers names start with J too!”
Sometimes girls are really really greedy! I mean so greedy that it bothers me. If a boy had been asked what his favorite wish was, he would have had the dignity to name only one wish. I ask Rapunzel and she names two! Greedy! Greedy! Greedy! Her first wish was to know my name, of course. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Her second wish was something that you will never ever guess! It is just as stupid as the first wish!
“I wish I could see the world!” she said. See, so dumb and stupid! She did not even wish for one small bag of gold.
“Easy, just climb down your hair and take a look!” I told her.
“That is really stupid.” she retorted.
“So is carting around a hundred feet of hair!” I snapped.
“It is not even fifteen feet.” she protested.
“Fine!” I snapped, “I shall take you to see the world!” I have never seen anyone so excited as her.
Getting out of the tower was a lot of hard, really hard work. I am totally exhausted. I climbed down first, then waited on the ground, while she unwrapped her braid. She used it like a pulley, to lower herself as far as if would go before dropping the rest of the way. I would say she dropped lightly and gracefully into my arms, and I caught her like a feather. But that would be a lie. What really happened was she dropped into my arms and flattened my like a patty cake. It was painful!
Once we were back on her feet, I put her on Polo, and grandly offered to walk. But my loyal horse would not budge without me on his back as well. He shall get a lump of sugar for that. Now I really must go. There is a whole world waiting to be seen.
Joseph the renowned traveler
Sheesh! Write in my diary, will you? This is private! Keep out!
Dear soaked and much abused me,
I hate traveling! In stories you read about great adventures, but they are mostly lies. They never mention the burning nettle, rain, flies, biters, crawlers, vultures, snakes, mud, cold, heat, and the general lack of a hot meal and warm bed. Another thing is, when a girl is toting around fourteen feet of extra long hair, be prepared for a lot of back braking.
I tolerated, sitting behind Rapunzel for nearly an hour. But then I was breathing and eating hair. It was literally killing me. I told Polo one of us was getting off. Rapunzel sure was not going to be a lady and let me ride my own horse, so I considered pushing her off. But before I could, Polo bucked us both off.
“You pushed me!” Rapunzel screeched, as she hung upside down from a tree by her hair. It would have been comical if I was not lying face down in a pile of some fresh forest leftovers. I will leave it to your imagination.
“I did not push you!” I screeched, as I spat and rubbed my tongue. Punz bounded around us barking, and Polo looked down his nose at us. I really and sincerely hate traveling.
It was hours before we got Rapunzel's hair untangled. By that time, her hair was pulling half the forest. It was disgusting. Punz even went for a ride on it. GROSS! I went for my knife.
“What are you doing?” Rapunzel screeched as he dragged her hair away from me.
“Giving you a much needed haircut!” I retorted, “This journey is a no go, until you get your head sheered!”
“You cannot!” she sobbed. I stared at her, one would think that she would be eager to rid herself of at least twelve feet of the horrible hair. “Mama would murder me.” Her mother must be demented.
“Consider, that you already left her and ran away with the first available man.” I told her bluntly, “If she is not angry about that, then you are probably safe!”
“No, you do not know mama!” she protested.
“Tell her I forced you to get it cut!” I snarled. I reached for the disgusting stuff. She snapped the hair at me. “OUCH!” I screamed as the knife was flicked out of my hand. Now thanks to Miss selfish, I have an angry red welt on the palm of my hand. I can tell that it is going to be a long hard and very distressful journey.
Dear half dead me,
I am half drowned by rain! Half dead with cold! Half starved! Half blind- alright maybe not quite that! But I am half dead! We have been wandering around in a swamp all night. So in the future when a lady you are trying to impress asks to see the world, give her sweets instead. Because, believe me when I say there is no way you can impress a lady when you are sitting up to your shoulders in mud and crying like a baby for your nice comfortable bed! Not that I did that of course! Just almost!
I was half asleep and caked with an even layer of dry mud, when an arrow slammed into the ground between my feet. Punz started growling and snarling from the relative safety of behind my back. Rapunzel screamed and grabbed Polo around the neck. I was glad that I was on the other side of Polo otherwise she might have tried strangling me.
“It looks like we are being attacked!” I commented as I scraped crusty mud off my nose. Rapunzel glared at me.
“Where would you get that idea?” she demanded. From the arrow obviously. About ten or so people in ragged brown and green tunics shuffled out of the scraggly trees. Punz snarled at them. I booted him forward.
“Get over there and protect us!” I ordered. A small child person with dirty blond hair threw a rock at my poor dog. Punz put his tail between his legs and shot off through the mud whimpering. So much for his rotten loyalty.
“Your dog is as cowardly as you!” Rapunzel informed me as she unwrapped her arms from Polo's neck. This is hardly fair since I was no coward. Why I could even best Jaden at a shooting match! Isn't that bravery?
“What do we do with these persons?” the small blond haired boy asked. A big man who was twice as fat as me and head yellowed teeth leered at us.
“Bring 'em along Rowan!” he sneered. I drew my sword. That is when someone hit me from behind. OUCH! Some people just have no sense of a fair fight!
Dear brave me,
I awoke with a really bad headache. Oh my aching head. I could not even think clearly. I was lying on my side, staring at a blindingly bright fire, in what I suppose was a cave. I was also bound and stretched out in a puddle. Rowan the rotten little blond haired thief was polishing a saddle next to the fire. It was not just an saddle, it was MY saddle!
“Thief!” I croaked. Rowan did not even bother to look up, the filthy cur.
“Joseph, you are awake.” Rapunzel cried from behind me. She did not need to point out the obvious.
“Yes! Now untie me!” I yelped.
“I am sorry, but-”
“No talking!” Rowan ordered solemnly. I clamped my mouth shut. What had these monsters done to Polo? I hoped Punz had the sense to run home. Rowan got up and began to stir something in a bot.
“What is that?” Rapunzel asked. She sounded perfectly at ease. I rolled over on my back, so I could see her. Her long hair was covered in mud, dirt and twigs, but her face was perfectly calm.
“Horse stew!” Rowan said.
“MONSTER!” I screamed, angry tears stinging my eyes.
I do not know how long I lay in that mucky puddle mourning for my ill-behaved horse, but I finally came to my senses, when Rapunzel started poking me.
“Why can a fellow not even mourn his horse without a rude interruption?” I yelled.
“Really Joseph?” Rapunzel said, she sounded slightly disgusted, “Your precious horse is standing right behind you.” I squinted backwards.
“Oh.” I said flatly. Polo stared at me then nickered softly.
“Your friend is a big idiot!” Rowan told Rapunzel. She laughed. I scowled. That was hurtful.
“You know you will get caught.” I blustered, trying to cover up my embarrassment, my face felt like it was burning.
“Oh we can get out of it easily.” Rowan said calmly as he tasted what was not Polo stew.
“Have you ever been caught before?” Rapunzel asked.
“If not he soon will be!” I snapped. I wondered what this little snob would say if he knew I was a prince. Probably make my father pay a ransom for me. I scowled even harder. Father would be glad of the excuse to be rid of me forever.
“Yes.” Rowan said quietly, “It was almost seventeen years ago.”
“Seventeen years ago?” I repeated, “How old are you?”
“I am assuming it was before you were born.” Rapunzel said with a smile, “And you mean it was your gang caught, not you.” Rowan nodded.
“Seven years before. My father and three of his brothers, they run this group, stole some cabbage from a witch.” he said. I imagine that went poorly.
“And this witch caught them?” Rapunzel prompted.
“How did you escape?” I asked. Rowan's eyes narrowed.
“Father exchanged my sister for their freedom.” he said. Rapunzel choked.
“Gross!” I said. What kind of vulgar no good father uses his daughter's life to save his own wretched skin?
Our charming little conversation was interrupted as two large men, with hair that resembled straw stacks, entered the cave.
“So what are we doing with these two?” the older man asked.
“Do ya think we could maybe git a ransom for 'em?” the other one asked.
“Na.” his companion grunted, “Look at there clothes. They is poor grungy peasants!” I gritted my teeth, but kept my mouth shut. For once I was thinking straight and not loosing my temper. The second man pulled on his neckerchief and let his tongue protrude from his mouth and his eyes bulged.
“How about a sudden drop?” he asked. I felt my blood begin to curdle.
“Excellent Nibs.” the older man said, “I shall fetch the others, you git the rope.”
Once they were gone, I let out a long agonized wail. You would probably have done the same thing if you knew that you were going to be hung.
“We are going to be hung and turned into crows meat!” I bellowed.
“Tell your dumb friend to shut up!” Rowan said. Rapunzel inched towards me.
“Joseph calm down.” she said. I hesitated. Rowan drew a knife.
“UGH!” I screamed. Rapunzel winced. Rowan rolled his eyes and marched over to us. I sat up. A surprising accomplishment, if you consider that I was tied up. I inched in front of Rapunzel.
“Fight an unarmed man will you?” I snarled. He rolled his eyes again. I was seriously getting sick of this idiot, with his eye rolling and I am better then you attitude. He grabbed me by the neck. I closed my eyes. The cold steal sliced through my shirt and barely grazed my skin. I jerked my eyes opened with another yelp. Rowan was cutting me free. Then he moved on to Rapunzel.
Once we were free, Rowan grabbed Polo's bridle and led him over to us. I reached for the saddle, but Rowan grabbed my arm and threatened me with the knife.
“You take your lady friend and get out of here.” he said, “The saddle stays with me.”
“Why?” I asked angrily, “That's my-”
“The gems encrusted in the side will sell quite well.” Rowan said smoothly, “They will bring us a fortune!”
“Monster!” I snarled, but I put Rapunzel on Polo's back and climbed up behind her. That saddle was a gift from my father. John had one just like it. Justin and James also had matching saddles too. It was part of the perks of being a twin.
Once we had left the cave far behind, Rapunzel remarked on the fact that there was no thieves anywhere near the mouth of the cave.
“It is almost as if they wanted us to escape.” she said. What a fool! Who complains that they escaped easily?
“But they still got my saddle!” I grumbled out loud. Rapunzel kicked me. It was an awkward kick since she was sitting in front of me on a galloping horse.
“How can you talk about a saddle at a time like this?” she cried.
“It was my special saddle!” I mumbled.
“That boy, Rowan.” she said, ignoring me, “He was my brother!” I froze. How could he be her brother? What about her scary mama, and sister Gothel?
“What?” I squawked.
“I'm serious, if they sold me for a handful of cabbage then that boy is my sister! After all my mama is a witch!” Oh gross my future in-law is going to be a witch?
Joseph the very shocked prince
I did not say my mama was a witch! And she most certainly is not going to be your future in-law, unless you are planning on marrying Gothel!
What is that supposed to mean?
Would you leave my stupid diary alone?
Why are you so grouchy?
I am so not answering that!
Dear angry me,
After wandering around in a marsh for hours Punz showed up. I rushed to his side and hugged him. I was so relieved that the thieves had not killed him.
“That mangy mutt betrayed us, how can you embrace him?” Rapunzel asked. Apparently girls have no idea how true the saying about dogs being mans best friend, is.
“He is my faithful Punz.” I told her coolly, “He never betrayed me!”
“Hold on, I thought his name was Lasso?” Rapunzel cried. Girls sure are dumb.
“I changed it to Punz after I found out what a lasso was capable of.” I told her. It should have already been obvious to her. Rapunzel was silent for a while, except for the slapping sound as she tried to kill the mosquitoes before they drained all her blood. Then a glint entered her eyes. I tightened my grip on Punz's flee bit tin mangy hide.
“Let me tell you a few puns, Joseph. They are so punnily.” she smirked.
“Huh?” I gaped. The slow drainage of blood had obviously destroyed what reason she had.
“Did I tell you about the man my mama cut the entire left side of his body?” she asked. My hair literally stood up on end.
“She did what?” I croaked.
“He is all right.” Rapunzel whispered.
“He must have been very strong.” I said impressed, “It certainly is amazing that he is alrgiht. He probably lost some important parts of his- wait did you say all right, or alright?” My eyes started narrowing. This did not look promising. Rapunzel grinned. Was she making fun of me?
“Last week Gothel and I were arguing in the cellar.” she said, “Then a jug started coming at me.” I mentally braced myself. “Then it hit me! Gothel had thrown it.”
“UGH!” I screamed.
“It is a trap!” she cried.
“Where?” I yelled, and looked around wildly.
“If you spell part backwards.” she smirked. I stared at her, my eyes had narrowed to thin slits.
“If you spell part backwards.” she smirked. I stared at her, my eyes had narrowed to thin slits.
“What?” I asked grimly.
“I have a few jokes about unemployed people like you.” she said, “But I will not say them, because you do not work anyway!”
“Shut up! I yelled.
“I hope I did not ruffle you feathers!” she said sweetly. I stared hard at her. I had to think up a witty reply or live with those insults for the rest of my life.
“I see you are about to start on the bird puns!” I snarled, “Well toucan play at this game.”
“Huh?” she said. I felt a sense of peace wash over me.
“You know like the bird, toucan.” I pointed out, “You are so emu-sing.”
“Joseph, that does not even make any sense.” she said.
“You are so hawk-ward.” I smirked.
“JOSEPH?” Rapunzel snapped at me, “Your puns do NOT quack me up!”
“Your company is always a tweet!” I continued, feeling very pleased with myself.
“Sparrow me your horrible puns!” she snapped. She most certainly was not going to get the last pun in.
“Haha.” I laughed, “So now you are a mockingbird.”
“That is not even a pun.” she cried, I was about to lift my hands triumphantly, “You better not make me fly off the handle!” Blast! Punz was so getting a new name.
“Alright, I will beak careful!” I muttered. She turned and stalked off.
“Owl be right back.” she called over her shoulder.
“I am talon you that there is-” someone coughed and I clamped my mouth shut.
“Please do not move.” a cold voice from behind me said. I whirled, my hair literally stood up on end. I knew that voice.
“Mama?” Rapunzel gasped. A tall woman with stiff blond hair, yanked back in a bun was striding towards us. In one hand she held a hairless gray thing, which looked like a cross between a dead cat and deformed rat. The terrible mama of Rapunzel. The one that bought her daughter with cabbage.
“Rapunzel darling.” the woman said coldly, “I have been searching everywhere for you.”
“Mama, I can explain.” Rapunzel gasped. Her face had turned pale. I scowled. This woman had no right to treat people like trash.
“Madame why don't you leave the girl alone!” I snarled. The woman whirled and fixed a piercing gaze on me. I refused to wither.
“I am mama Gascony.” she hissed, “And you just made a mistake.”
“Goodbye silly little man.” Gothel's voice hissed from behind me. UGH! Why do these creeps keep materializing behind me. I whirled, just in time to see a stick swing at my face.
“Well this is hawk-ward.” I gasped, then I felt as if my head had exploded and everything went black.
Joseph the very much unconscious and totally punny prince
Dear awkward me,
Some people say that it is the worst thing to wake up to a long day of back braking work. These people are fools! There is definitely something worse! Something a hundred times worse. Do you want me to tell you what it is? Well, it is when you wake up and you are hanging upside down from a tree branch, which is hanging over a roaring waterfall. That is what is a hundred times worse. How I got there is no mystery of course, that horrible cabbage woman and her repulsive daughter Gothel trapped me here! I can hardly breathe. I am so uncomfortable. At least my hands are free, so I can write. You might say, why don't you just reach up and untie your feet? Well, have you ever been hanging by your feet about fifty feet in the air, upside down? If so, you would know how utterly impossible it is to get free. It is rather hard to write upside down too. I got ink splotches all over my face, and my writing never looked so bad.
Say, you know I can do here? I can bounce up and down and the branch shakes like crazy. Even the tree bends slightly. This is so much fun, I wonder if I could brake the branch off completely. That would be so much fun. It might lesson the boringness of the whole situation. I could even fall to my death. That would be so much less boring.
Joseph the still imprisoned and sick feeling prince
Dear about to be freed me,
Have you ever slept hanging upside down from a tree branch? I didn't think so. Do you realize I am dying here? My brains have slowly leaked out of my ears over night, and my eyes are strained from caring my entire weight. I believe I must be having hallucinations too. Did you know people that have been on their head for two nights and a day with nothing to eat start hallucinating? Well guess what I saw climbing on the branch. I could have sworn it was Punz, who I shall now call Thorn, because reasons which are none of your business. Next to
Thorn was that annoying little robber midget, what's his name, ah
“Hold still sir.” Rowan said. Did you know that hallucinations could talk. Thorn barked at me. They bark too? How astonishing. Rowan tugged on the rope. The branch split and we all dropped into the water some fifty feet below us. What a joke! I love hallucinations, they are the best. But I could feel the pain just as well as if it really happened. I don't remember what it
Joseph the once more unconscious prince
Dear very sick and possibly dying me,
I awoke and felt like someone had attempted to kill me. The pain was real. Thorn was standing over me barking wildly. My clothes were wet, and there was no sign of Rowan. Where was Rapunzel? Did Gothel and witch mama take her back to that horrible tower? I tried to sit up and my head started spinning. I lost three days worth of food, which was odd since I hadn't eaten in two days. My head was spinning and Thorn's barking was making my ears ache. I blinked a few times, and wondered where I was. My eyelids felt heavy as led. I closed them for a minute.
I awoke to find someone poking me. The shadows had lengthened and I knew more then a few hours had passed. Jerome and Eleanor were staring down at me.
“Oh lord of dragons, angels preserve us, king of heaven, someone, anyone, please tell me he isn't dead.” Jerome was babbling. I groaned.
“Jerome, dead people do not usually open and close their eyes.” Elanor cried. She knelt down beside me. “Can you move?” I choked, and tried to sit up. My head spun, quickly I lay down again.
“Nope.” I croaked.
“Jerome, run back for a few servants.” Eleanor ordered. She sounded calm and collected. Who knows, maybe she actually did this all the time. I lost interest in the proceedings again.
Once more I awoke. This time I was in my own bed. John was seated at my foot and Elise was fluttering about my head. Mother was directing the servants and there was a heavy, very damp cloth on my forehead.
“Water?” I croaked. Someone gave me a teaspoon of water. The beast. Then I remembered plunging down towards the churning water. I promptly threw up all the water, and then some of my insides.
I don't believe I shall write any more tonight. Yours truly, me.
Joseph the still sick prince
Dear in desperate need of advice and feeling much better me,
Well, after another long terrible night, I believe I am on the path to recovery. Luckily no one has asked me what happened. All that rubbish about Thorn and a robber boy climbing a tree and jumping into the water with me, must have been an hallucination. But now that I am feeling much better, I am worrying non-stop about Rapunzel. Where is she? Did her cabbage selling mama harm her? Did she even try to save me?
After about two hours of worrying, instead of resting, I got out of bed. I was going to get some more advice. I felt dizzy and my stomach churned slightly, but I ignored it and staggered down to the older twins' bedchamber. Or the one that used to be theirs. I believe James and Belle had it now. When I entered, I found James sitting cross legged on the bed, sharpening a knife. He looked at me, then shot off the bed.
“What are you doing up?” he yelped and forced me to sit down on a chair.
“James, I need advice, real bad.” I said.
“Let me give you some.” he said sharply, “Get back in your bed and stay there until mother says you can get.”
“But I want to get married.” I wailed before I could bite my tongue. James sat down, forgetting that I was sitting in the chair.
“You what?” he squawked, “Who is this person?”
“Her name is Rapunzel, she has fourteen feet of hair, and her mama bought her for a pile of cabbage.” I said. Inwardly I cursed myself. That had sounded so much better in my mind.
“In that case, offer her mama cabbage for her hand.” James said. He was most certainly poking fun at me. I stood up.
“I just might do that.” I snapped and returned to my own bedchamber.
Joseph the very annoyed prince
Dear flabbergasted me,
I planned on heading back to the tower today, but something happened, and I could not. I mean I could have, but I did not, because it would have been rude and insensitive. I had to stay, no matter how ugly, red, bald and wrinkly she was. Wait, I think I am getting ahead of myself, I forgot to tell you what I was talking about. Well, anyway, Belle had a baby! An ugly baby! A really ugly baby! She looks exactly like, how one would imagine a peasant baby to look like. It is not hard to guess that her mother is only a merchant's daughter.
I was feeling much better today, so mother said I could leave my chamber at look at my niece. She was born in the night so I missed that too. I tell you, I took one look at that hideous child and nearly died!
“Oh James I am so sorry.” Jerome told our older brother, as he patted him on the arm.
“Isn't she beautiful?” James murmured. I stared at him. He hated anything ugly. John twirled his finger in a circle by his ear. Justin and I nodded emphatically. James was clearly in denial.
“She is so adorable!” Elise cooed.
“Elise, do not encourage our nutty brother!” Jerome cried.
“Maybe Elise finds her adorable because she is a girl instead of a boy.” John suggested.
“Boys, how can you be so insensitive?” Elise barked, and kicked Justin.
“Ouch!” he yelped. My sisters-in-law turned and frowned at us.
“Who wants to take the first turn holding her?” James asked proudly, as he picked up the creature and carried it towards us. There was a mad scramble towards the door as we all tried to escape the horrible creature.
“Sorry, got to dash.” Jaden gasped, “I have a counsel meeting.”
“That was canceled.” father protested, but Jaden was gone.
“I have to meet a- a person.” Justin gasped, “Very important, James, I will touch the little thing later.” he rushed after Jaden. John and Jerome did not even make an excuse. I shrugged.
“Really? No one?” James asked looking surprised, “What about you Joseph?”
“I might break her!” I yelped and slipped out the door.
Joseph the prince who had his narrowest escape yet
I have been spending nearly two whole days avoiding James. I have discovered my worst fear. Do you want to hear it? Sure you do! It is listening to a new father rant about his gorgeous beautiful daughter, when you know she is anything but gorgeous and beautiful! Justin puts up with it the most. I suppose because James is his twin brother. Jaden is very good at pretending to listen, but actually changing the subject. Elise and mama talk about the creature nonstop! It is so killing me. Anyway, I am going to go back to the tower tomorrow, I do not care how insensitive it is. This time I am bringing a sword. I will be ready to fight off robbers, terrifying cabbage selling mothers and evil sharp tongued sisters.
Joseph the handsome
Dear relieved me,
Thorn, and I are back at the tower. I wish Polo was with me, but he is still missing. Anyway, I went up to the tower.
“Rapunzel?” I shouted, “Are you there?” she appeared in the window. I was relieved. She looked alright.
“Joseph?” she cried. She had never sounded so sweet.
“Can I come up?” I asked, then thought to add, “Please?” She hesitated for a minute, then nodded.
“Let me lower my hair.” she said.
Once I was up in the tower, Rapunzel flung her arms around me, and started crying. I awkwardly patted her hair.
“I thought you died.” she cried.
“Your cabbage mother cannot get the best of me!” I said with a smirk. But I was pleased that she had been upset. She stepped back. I felt rather disappointed, I think I like hugs.
“You must leave!” she cried. I felt my eyes bulging.
“Why?” I demanded.
“If you stay here, mama Gascony will kill us both!” she gasped. My eyes narrowed to thin slits.
“I will leave, but only if you come with me.” I told her sharply. She lifted the hem of her dress. Some low down sneak of a swine had put an iron ring around her ankle. A chain was attached to it, the other end was attached to an iron ring in the wall.
“Blast!” was all I could say. She grabbed my arm.
“If you brought a file maybe I could free myself, then we could escape.” she cried.
“At once, fair lady!” I told her, then hastily climbed down her hair. Tomorrow, when I come back, I shall leave the file with her, soon she will be free, then I can rescue her.
Joseph the jubilant prince
Day 29 that really is day 31
On a side note here, my name is Rowan. Because of an awkward thing that happened two days ago, I am now writing for Joseph, as he is unable too. I shall first catch you up on what happened in those two days.
So Joseph says he went to the tower and banged his head against it. I mean he banged a stick against it. He just tried to strangle me! Well anyway, he starts hollering for his lady friend. She throws her gross disgusting pile of dirty blondness out the window. Can you believe how stupid this person is? He actually climbed the disgusting stuff! I would rather have died. Much rather.
Well, he says, that when he reached the top, there was no girl attached to the other end of the braid. Believe me when I say, I would have jumped right back out the window. But Joseph was obviously too dumb for that. He says he grabbed the end of the braid and started screaming for the lady. Then a blond witch, the same one that supposedly bought my sister for a bellyful of cabbage, grabbed him and stabbed his eyes out with a thorn, then she threw him out the tower. This woman is sick! Definitely a witch! I mean who goes around and stabs random boys in the eyes with thorns! Revolting! She then proceeded to toss him out of the tower.
So Joseph lay at the foot of the tower for a long time, with no eyes and a broken leg. He was in really bad shape. Poor man! I almost feel sorry for threatening him the other time we met. Almost, but not quite.
Signing with a flourish,
Rowan Thief's boy
Day 30 which is still actually day 31
Dear still very much blind prince,
I just found out Joseph is a prince. This is rather awkward. Well, maybe I shall be less rude in my entries. Prince's have a way of getting over there difficulties, it would be terrible if he got his sight back and read what I wrote.
Anyway, after the prince lay at the foot of the tower with his broken leg, possibly broken arm and bad eyes, all night, he finally came too, and got up. He says he wandered around for quite some time, without any clue of where he was going. He wept and moaned for his lost love, the pain was nothing to him compared with the pain of loosing her. On a side note, I think she is actually my sister, the one father exchanged for the cabbage.
Oh great, Joseph is grabbing me by the neck again. He wants me to write that he did not spend a whole day weeping for Rapunzel. He says she is probably in better shape then him. My, he is really unromantic! I am disgusted. Well, that is all that happened on day thirty. Hmm.. I wonder why it is day thirty. What happened on day one? Hang on a second, I will ask Joseph.
Guess what this crazy prince said happened? He said on day one the important thing was, that he started this diary! How come I did not think of that?
Signing with a flourish,
Rowan Thief's boy
Day 31 which is really the right date
Dear sad prince,
So something really important happened to our dear prince Joseph today. Today was the day my uncle Gastiff and I found the poor fellow wandering around and basically starving to death. Now he is in a cave. His leg and arm bound up nicely, and hot food in his belly. He even has a bandage around his eyes. Father says if he lasts one more day he will survive. Now that is a pleasant thought.
The first thing Joseph did once he had been patched up, was to ask me, bright boy that I am, to write for him in his journal. This is so much more fun then running through the forest and setting snares. Besides, he cannot stop me if I steal his food.
Oh whoops, I am supposed to be writing what he dictates. He wants me to write, that the floor is to hard, the bandages to scratchy, and that there is a filthy smell in the air. What can I say? Princes are known for complaining. Besides I have to agree with him. I wonder if father and uncle Gastiff will make him pay for food, lodgings, and doctoring? Should I tell father, that the girl he threatened to hang is really my sister? No, I will not, he is already in a foul mood. Joseph brings up that rope every five seconds. I think if father had really tried to hang the him or Rapunzel, Joseph would have killed him. Princes are also know for their swordsmanship. Anyway, lets see what tomorrow brings.
Signing with a flourish,
Rowan Thief's boy
Well you dear prince sat staring at the fire today, a fairy appeared. She was dressed all in blue and looked smug. Father fell flat on his face and started babbling about how he only stole to support his dying family. The liar! Joseph stood up, and screeched at the fairy to give him his eyesight back. Good Grief! How could he dare yell at a fairy? He must be mostly stupid! We all expected her to turn him into a frog. Instead she told him the cure was at hand, but that you must seek her out again and find hidden love. Then she disappeared. Joseph, you started crying. Men do NOT cry! What is your problem?
Once the fairy had vanished, father got up and grabbed Joseph by the shoulders and started shaking him.
“Listen prince.” he bellowed, “If we help you find the cure, then will you have us pardoned for disturbing your gracefulness?” The prince sneered at my father. I could hardly blame him.
“Find me the cure.” was all he said out loud. It's most astonishing watching ten grown and almost illiterate thugs pouring over bejeweled books looking for the way to cure one crazy prince. I could have saved them the pain by telling them that the books were about manners, fashions, and foreign countries. The usual trash you steal from travelers. Not remedy books. But it was to amusing.
Rowan Thief's boy
Well, the crazy prince finally had enough. He got up today and said we could all go to the fiery place, and that he was off on his own. He left this silly little book in my hand. So I grabbed my slingshot and ran after him.
“Rowan!” father screeched after me, but I forgot to reply.
“Stop following me!” Joseph screeched, drowning out father's voice.
“I'm not.” I told him stiffly, “You just left your book behind.” he sighed.
“Well?” he asked.
“Will I what?”
“Will you keep writing and being my eyes?”
“Yes!” Oh man, this is going to be so much fun. I am off on an adventure with a blind prince, to seek out a fairy, a cure and a love. What could get more exciting then that?
Rowan Thief's boy
I am used to wild living, but the nutty prince makes it more wild. Joseph is killing me. How can a blind spoiled young man go taring through the countryside, through forests, through rivers, through anything and still live? UGH! I woke up this morning shivering. What new deaths was this prince dreaming of defying today. Surely not tree hopping. I did that once, but it was not a blind man leading me. Well, guess who just got up? I knew you would never guess. It is the prince, of course.
“Morning Rowan.” he told a tree on his other side. I am rolling my eyes now. “I decided, fairies have got to hide somewhere that people do not like, so I figured we should look for a cave.” I did not have the heart to tell him that the only cave in the forest or for hundreds of miles around it, was the one my father and the rest of the gang lived in.
“You will fail.” I told him kindly.
I am sure there is a saying somewhere, that if fools and wise men cannot do it, by all means send a blind man to get the job done. Well, that saying applies to me, right now. I told Joseph he would fail, and guess what he found? Some people are just determined to prove you wrong. The annoying prince found a cave!
“A cave?” I screeched, sounding like an annoying little girl, who has just been given a cute little baby doll.
“Where? Where?” Joseph yelled. Idiot! He was the one who found it. How annoying can one person get?
“Right there in front of you!” I retorted. Joesph bounded forward and ran into the wall.
It was cold damp and ugly in the cave. Not to mention at least a hundred and five bats were flying in there. It was nothing like my cozy little thief cave. Also, I feel the need to mention that there was a woman in there. A creepy black haired woman, who was holding some kind of hairless little beast. Joseph was groping around, one hand clutching at his face, and was going to walk right into her knife. She had a big butcher knife pointed right at his heart. I will admit, she scared me. I was ready to run. Joseph stopped one fraction of an inch from the knife and looked all around. His eyes seeing nothing. The small beast let out a yap. The prince jumped and knocked his head against the ceiling.
“Gothel!” he screeched, “Murderous mullet mouth!” I am not sure what a mullet mouth is, but I think it fits this Gothel person, quite well.
“Well, well, if it is not prince Joseph.” she sneered, “Your horse is gone, your dog is gone, your eyes are gone, your girl is gone, you have nothing!” Joseph pushed me behind him. That surprised me. He did not strike me as the chivalrous type.
“Polo is waiting for me at home!” Joseph shouted, “He is all comfortable in his stable!” Gothel sneered.
“You wish.” she said.
“Thorn- I mean Dog is at this moment fetching my brothers to rescue me!” he shouted. I was surprised. Really? I thought his dog's name was Punz or something lame like that.
“What about your eyes?” Gothel sneered, “I would love to hear how you plan to get out of that?”
“I have my ways!” Joseph said mysteriously, “I have already been told there is a cure and I am currently fetching it.” Gothel looked pained. I smirked.
“What about your love?” she asked, after an awkward silence.
“She is currently rotting with your mama witch in the tower.” he said, “And just as soon as I get my eyesight back, I am off to rescue her.” Well, this is awkward and mushy.
“But what is to prevent me from killing you first?” Gothel asked, her teeth flashing in the semi-darkness. I shuddered.
“This!” Joseph shouted. He raised his stick, and hit the roof. There was an avalanche. Rocks came rumbling down. I barely had time to grab his shirt and drag him backwards, before there was a solid wall between us and Gothel. I am kind of annoyed. How did he know that would work?
Rowan Thief's boy
I wonder if anyone ever told Joseph he was a blunder donkey? If I had been his father, I definitely would have told him. Oops! Maybe I should not have said that out loud. He looks murderous. Eek! He is telling me that he going to slit my throat with a pen if I do not shut up!
Today was rather dull. After you past the quicksand, which I was pushed into by a rabid raccoon, and then rescued by a blind man, there is not much else to say. We heard singing. More like screeching actually. Joseph insisted that it was my own sister Rapunzel, who I like to refer to, as his lady love. That is why I stepped in quicksand. I was following the imaginary singing of a blind man's lost lady love. What a cruel world, I live in!
Rowan Thief's boy
Dear Rotten Joseph,
I knew we should never have followed that siren screeching. It was to beautiful to- I mean to hideous to be coming from anyone other then a witch. A witch who wanted to drag us into the middle of Royaume's largest pokeberry path and leave us there, suspended from a million and a half thorns. I look as if I had been flogged. Which means I will have to take a bath and a treatment from Granny when I get safely back to my cave. It really is not fair. I just had my annul bath, two months ago. My only consolation is that Joseph looks like a walking dead man. Or an extra large meat chop. However you like to picture it.
What I am actually trying to say here, is that by following the sound of Joseph's imaginary singing love, we got lost. Lost in a bramble patch, where the thorns are three feet long, on a bad day, and twenty feet on a good day. The point is, if we do not leave this patch of death behind, all that will be left of us, will be our bones, and maybe a small patch of hair.
Rowan Thief's boy
I detest people who were wrong, then by some lousy miracle turn out to be right. I call them gloaters, because they have a special song, which they force you to sing with them. It goes something like this.
“Is that a house up ahead.”
“More like a stringy hut.”
“That's where the singing comes from.”
“I tell you, no one is singing.”
“But there is the hut as proof!”
“You said there would be no hut/house/tower/person, at the end of our search.” This is where the chorus comes in.
I told you so. La La. I told you so.
You did not listen to me, when I was right.
You were wrong. Admit it old pal.
I was right. LA LA.
I am usually right, but does anyone ever listen to me?
You were wrong! I told you so!
I told YOU so!
I hate that song. Anyone can sing it. I may have sung it on occasion. But it is always the worst, when a blind man sings it in a smug voice, because he literally did the impossible and led the expedition. Well, tomorrow we shall beard this dragon's hut. I pray it will be empty. Then I can sing the chorus, and trample the dumb prince to pulp.
Rowan Thief's boy
As we approached the house, early today, my knees began to knock. I was not scared mind you. What possibly could scare me in an empty hut. Joseph was scared. His teeth were clicking together like a row of silly dancers. My knees were just shaking because they could no longer support me. Joseph rapped on the door, while I glanced around the corner of the hut. To check for spies of course. The door opened and a very tall woman with stick blond hair opened the door. She also had a hairless pet of some kind in her arms.
“Oh.” she said.
“Oh hello Mama Gascony, was I expected?” Joseph asked. Did he know nothing about witches? You never talk to them. You show them your back, heels and how fast you can run.
“Shall we say yes.” the Gascony creature hissed. I felt like snakes were binding me down.
“Can we come in?” Joseph asked. I wished I had his neck between my fingers.
“We?” the horror whispered. Her creature let out a croak that froze every drop of blood in my veins. Then he let out a yap, that sounded like he was being strangled.
“My friend.” Joseph said. I hate him.
“Come out of the tree sweetheart.” she said in the cooing voice of a spider that was inviting a fly into its web. I fell to the ground with a painful crunch. I had thought there was a dragon in the tree, I was trying to protect my blind dummy. I was not hiding from anyone.
Can you imagine how horrified I was, when Joseph followed that woman into the hut. If he could have seen her, he would have run. He would have run really far. I ran after him and grabbed his arm and told him so.
“Since I cannot see her, I am not afraid.” he told me smugly. I almost wished I was blind.
“Rats.” was all I said.
“She is the one that made me blind in the first place.” he hissed. Now I know he is crazy. What sane man walks back into the lair of the wretch that ruined his eyes?
Inside the hut was interesting. There was a girl with very short dull blond hair, chained to the wall, and gagged, with what I could only guess, was a dirty sock. There was Joseph's mangy mutt rapped in ropes and tied to a large stone. There was no furniture. What a miserable place. The girl in the chains began to struggle wildly. She looked familiar. Maybe a distant cousin of someone I had robbed.
“Where is Rapunzel?” Joseph asked.
“How sweet.” Gascony sneered, “A blind man who still searches heroically for his lost sweetheart.” I was just about to say those exact words. Now I believe I will just keep my mouth shut and write.
The door whimpered, and struggled weakly. Joseph shuffled past Gascony and her horrifying rodent.
“Dog?” he whispered. The poor creature whimpered and tried to wag its tail.
“What happened to the cute name, Lasso?” Gascony sneered.
“I had a nasty relationship with another lasso.” Joseph snarled. Who names there dog Lasso?
“What happened to sweet Punz?” Gascony smirked, “A tribute to my daughter, of course.” What a rotten woman. Rapunzel is not her daughter! The cabbage witch!
“I was in a battle of puns.” Joseph muttered, “I could not take the strain.”
“So you call him Dog?” Gascony sneered, “How pathetic.”
“If you say so.” Joseph said. He sat down on the floor, cross legged. “I am going to talk you to death.” I will not write anymore. Everything they say is bordering on boring.
Rowan Thief's boy
I awoke somewhere around the middle of the night. It was pitch black in the hut, but I could still hear Joseph and Gascony arguing over the cure for Maim Disease.
“I tell you, I have magic mirror that can tell me anything.” Gascony was screaming.
“So ask him who is fairer then you, it will be every girl that ever existed.
“One petal of a sun flower.” Gascony snarled.
“Whoops a daisy girl.” Joseph yodeler, “But I tell you otherwise.” Amazing. I just learned the cure for the deadliest disease on Royaume. I wonder if I could sell it?
I suppose today is what Joseph would call the happiest day of your life? He is such a fool! I awoke, long after the sun was up, to find by Joseph and Gascony sagging against the walls.
“I will never let you win.” Gascony croaked. Her voice sounded like someone had torn her throat out.
“Then Jerome told Jaden to tell Justin, that John was taking lessons from James. Jerome was afraid to to tell Justin, even thought Jerome was his elder.” Joseph was croaking gaily. Who were all these boys and why did they start with J?
“Enough!” Gascony screeched.
“The reason Jerome did not want to tell Justin, about James giving John lessons, was because James was his twin, his younger twin, so he feels responsible for-”
“I give up!” Gascony moaned, “You know to many Js.”
“What is the cure?” Joseph asked gleefully. A glint entered Gascony's eyes.
“Did you think I would tell you?” she snarled, “You will still be blind forever! HAHA!” then she tossed the hairless rodent at the prince.
“UGH!” Joseph screamed as the little monster started taring at his throat. I jumped to my feet, grabbed the little mutt by the tail and yanked him off of the prince. The horror twisted around and sank razor sharp teeth right into my hand. I started screaming and dancing around. The monster still attached to my hand.
Joseph crawled over to the dog, and sliced through his ropes, with his knife. The dog bounded to his feet, shook himself out, then launched himself at me. I screamed louder. I was going to die. Killed by a midget with sharp teeth and a monster with equally sharp teeth.
“Sic him Dog!” Joseph yelled. Dog grabbed the rodent in his sharp, sharp teeth and snapped him in two. Gross! But beautiful! Gascony screamed and rushed through the wall. Literally ran through the wall and vanished. My hand felt like it was on fire. I could see the bone. Ouch!
The prince crawled over to the girl. It was really beginning to bother me that her face was familiar, but I could not place her.
“Rapunzel?” Joseph gasped.
“Wrong girl!” I squealed, as I continued to dance around the room. “This one has no hair.” Then it hit me. Gascony cut Rapunzel's hair. I felt like an idiot. I stood there gawking, while Joseph untied her gag. He sure moved well for a blind man.
“Joseph?” she sobbed, “What has she done to you?” I ran for the door. The scene that followed was, what I would call the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed. Dog followed me. Obviously he could not bare it either. I guess there is nothing more to write for now.
Rowan Thief's boy
Dear me, and everyone else there is in the world,
I am so happy I could cry! I can see! Rapunzel and Rowan are going back to the castle with me! I am so happy! Actually I should explain some more. Some people just have to know all the unimportant details. So yesterday, after Rowan so rudely cut off, after I started kissing Rapunzel, we left the hut. I had my sword at the ready, just in case we should run into Gascony again. Rowan made fun of me of course. The rotten little blighter.
Dear not so funny future brother-in-law,
I just grabbed this nasty little book from Joseph. How dare he call me a rotten little blighter? Anyway, he looks stupid, because he is blind and dancing around with a sword. Dog keeps barking at me. I will decapitate him with my bare hands if he does it one more time. Rapunzel just asked Joseph what happened to his eyes. Apparently he never told her yesterday. Well, he told her how Gascony had tricked him into the tower then gouged his eyes out with a thorn. Then the fool said it did not hurt. Imagine that. Rapunzel started crying. Believe me, there is nothing worse then a crying girl. Then there was a flash, and the blue fairy was back.
It was so strange when the fairy appeared right between us. She took my tears and touched your eyes with them. You gasped, and fell to your knees. I ran to you, but you were already standing up. You actually bowed to the fairy.
“Perhaps there is hope for you young prince.” she said. How come you never told me you were a prince? I am starting to feel offended.
I am to happy to be offended. I could have sworn that I told you that I was a prince. But if not, it means you really do love me. Perhaps the fairy is right and there is hope for me to become a proper young prince. But first I have to take you home to meat my family. Poor mother, was so hoping for another princess, but I think you are better then any princess.
You two are so mushy, please stop writing.
Get lost you miserable brat!
Do as Joseph says.
This would not be a proper diary if I did not right one last entry addressed to me. It is so good to have the pen in my hand, even though, Rapunzel is reading over my shoulder and Rowan is trying to rip the book out of my hands. Hands that I can see. So I must be brief. I think the girls would like Rapunzel. Well, maybe not Elaine. She really is a brat. What on Royaume does Jaden see in her. Anyway, this is goodbye, I am moving onto another chapter in my life. One that I do not need a diary to keep me company.
Joseph son of Jasper the VI