The Diary of an Uncharming Prince, part five

The Diary of an Uncharming Prince

Jerome's Diary

Day 23

Tar woke up again this morning in a very cross mood. She was downright rude to me. I reminded her that I was the one that saved her life a couple of times. She threw a pillow at me. Ungrateful wretch! Then she started picking on Marik. He turned into a miserable wreck. Hendrick finally told Marik and I to go down the river and catch some fish. In other words he was telling us to get lost. Marik showed me where his little boat was. It was a miserable wooden thing, that could not hold a candle to even the poorest of father's skiffs.

“My da helped build this.” Marik said. The poor dwarf was proud of his little horror.

“It is very ugly.” I told him, hoping my bluntness would disillusion him. He hit me on the head with an oar . When I woke up we were in the middle of a smooth crystal clear lake surrounded by mountains. I will not be asking how Marik got the boat and myself all the way down the mountain. We did not catch anything that day.

Day 24

I discovered the problem with a relaxing day of fishing. The only way to get the boat back up the mountain was carry it upland. I shudder to imagine us riding down this incline in the boat. I am glad I was unconscious. Marik pushed from behind and I pulled the boat from in front. We were going up an extra steep part of the incline and I was trying to hold the boat so it would not slide down and crush Marik, when we were attacked. My hair stood up on end as the monster approached me. Then it stood up on its hind legs and growled.

“Bear!” Marik yelled and dashed off. Since I no longer had his support, I could not hold the boat anymore. It shot down the mountain dragging me with it. I could hear the bear storming after me, but I was more concerned with my body being dragged over the rocks at the rate of very very fast. The boat smashed into a tree and broke into a million pieces. I skidded into it and came to a painful halt. Then the bear snatched me up in his big crushing pauses, put his ugly face right into mine and growled. I felt like a raw steak. I bet I smelled like one too. To add to the misery, the bear's breath smelled like he had never thought to freshen his teeth. I gagged.

“Bear!” Marik yelled and leaped out of the brush, while swinging a stout club. He banged the bear in the rump with it. I am not sure what he was trying accomplish but it must have worked, because the bear dropped me and turned on him. I stood up a little wobbly and plunged my knife into the beast's back. He turned around and hit me over head. I did not wake up until night fell. The bear was gone, but Marik was sitting next to his boat moaning over it. He did not spare a single tear for me. I hate him. I now have two bumps on my head.

Day 25

No one missed us at the dwarf cottager either. Tar was disappointed that we had not brought fish home. I hate fish, plus I like to see her mad. I started making my first sword. I miss swinging a sword and bashing people. Fenrick has taken it upon himself to teach me to make a proper sword. During dinner I told Tar that once my sword was done I was going to whittle her down to size. She stuck her tongue out at me. I never met anyone so immature. I wonder that she is able to cook so well if she is such a ditzy brain.

Day 26

My sword is half done. I have selected a small green stone to put in the knob of the hilt. I want my sword to be mostly plain. Thieves tend to steal sparkly swords. I would have worked more on the sword, but Hendrick made me go get water. I was at the well when a miserable old lady in a black robe with a crow perched on her shoulder approached. I speak the truth, when I say I was going to be charming and offer her a drink. But she turned her eyes on me. They were flaming with fire. There was no way this lady was not a witch. I threw the water bucket at her.

“Shift it granny!” I howled and was half way back to the cave before she could get the bucket off her head. It never pays to be to careful in the company of a person with magic. My family has a history of being cursed.

Day 27

I finished my sword today. I was so excited that I rushed to show Tar. But as I approached the house, I could hear voices. Both women voices. Where was Anlick, and who was Tar talking too? I peeked into the window. Anlick was snoring on a chair. Tar was sitting on the steps talking to the witch! Was she insane? I was about to run to the front of the house, and stab the witch, when I heard my name mentioned. I froze.

“This Jerome.” the old hag cackled, “Who is he? Surely not a dwarf.”

“He is an apprentice blacksmith.” Tar sighed, “I really like him at times and he can be sweet, but he hates me.” my face burned. She liked me? I hated her? Did I really hate her?

“Is that what you really think?” the witch demanded, “Tell me your thoughts.” I had an irrisistable urge to tell my thoughts to the world. It could only mean that the witch was working some sort of magic over Tar to get her to talk.

“I have it all worked out.” Tar said in a dreamy voice, “He is a runaway prince who is very selfish!” I sneaked off feeling like an evil man.

Day 28

I have been avoiding Tar lately. I know I should apologize for the shabby way I have treated her since we met, but my pride would not let me. So I moped about and grouched. Hendrick said I was getting annoying. Well, a lot he knew about it. I was already annoying. All he had to do was ask Tar. Suddenly a blood curdling yell filled the air. Marik ran his new sword right through my arm and Milik dropped a heavy diamond on Hendrick's steel toed boot. I ran out of the smithy leaving a trail of blood and curses. If Tar was dead again, my bloody arm would be the least of my worries.

There must have been hundreds of black cloaked bandits pounding on the cottage, when I reached it. I drew my sword with my left hand since my right arm was useless, then I rushed at the bandits. One of them noticed me. He let out a yell to warn the others. Then a masked bandit burst from the group and rushed at me. The attic window on the cottage opened and Tar leaned out. She bashed my attacker with a broom just before he could reach me.

“I had that under control!” I yelled. I really wanted to try out my new sword.

“He was going to whack your head off.” Tar protested. Was it my imagination, or did she like to argue?

Thwack! No one can know real pain until a hundred foot braid has slapped you in the face. Believe me, I did not even remember the pain in my arm. by the time my vision had cleared, I realized that I was up to my shoulders in some lady's hair. Literally! I could not move an inch. All the dwarves stumped foreword, there smithy tools clenched in their fists. They were probably going to make some kind of grand, but very slow rescue. My captor was as tall as I was. Her hair was rich gold and her eyes were bluer then mine. A small child was clutching at her back. I had been apprehended by a little mama! The shame of it all. Being caught by a woman is bad enough. But being caught by a woman with a baby is even worse. Her hair looked vaguely familiar.

“Hey, let go of him, you hairy lady!” Tar shrieked, “That is my boy!”

“Am not!” I choked. Tar climbed out the window, swinging the broom. Two bandits caught her and made her their captive. The masked bandit sat up and removed his mask. My hair literally stood up on end. It was my brother Joseph!

“Well, Jerome you certainly picked a nasty one.” he said.

“Get me out of your wife's hair!” I howled. Man I cannot believe I did not recognize her. Her hair was a dead giveaway. Perhaps I am the real idiot around here.

“You know these criminals?” Tar shrieked, “I should have known you were related to criminals!” I am not sure if I should be insulted by the truth or not.

Day 29

The dwarves should have been thankful to me. Because I happened to be their leader's brother, the bandits did not rob us. But instead of being grateful, all the dwarves were mad at me. It was hardly my fault that I was related to a clod like Joseph. Today Rapunzel sent an invitation for us all to eat dinner with the bandits in the woods. The dwarves said some nasty and foul things. Which was obviously there way of saying no, so Tar and I went alone. I wore the nice clothes Tar had made me, but she went in rags.

“You look nice.” she commented on the way to dinner.

“Men do not like comments about their looks!” I growled.

“But girls do.” she grinned.

“You do not look nice.” I grunted. She glared at me. I almost felt ashamed of myself.

“Where are your small friends?” Joseph smirked as we strode into the clearing. His men laughed. I scowled. If I had wanted to be poked fun at, I would have gone home, Elise could do it better then him. Rapunzel whisked Tar off somewhere, while I talked to Joseph and his men. They had some kind of contest to see who could terrify me the most. At least that is what I seemed like, judging by the ridiculous hair, raising stories they told. Rowan, a boy of thirteen or so was the worst. He told nasty stories about Joseph. I cannot believe I am related to him now. We had wine too. I have never had any wine before, although the rest of my family, except for Elise, drank a lot of it. I soon learned why we were not allowed to drink it.

Day 30

I do not remember much about last night, except the stories and wine. But this morning, I woke up, still lying under the trees and completely covered in a light frost. I was shivering, had a massive headache and not much recollection on how I had gotten there in the first place. I just wanted to keep lying there and die of misery. But Joseph came and kicked me.

“Get up slob!” he yelled, “Morning is mostly gone and it froze last night. I am surprised you did not freeze over!” I stared at him blearily.

“What happened?” I croaked thickly. My tongue tasted like wet sandpaper. Joseph shook his head and snickered.

“Not sure, you just started ranting about Tar and a witch. Me thinks you just might of had a drop to much.” he snorted. I was drunk! I had never been so humiliated in my life. I could not go back to the dwarves' cottage. Who knows what Joseph and the bandits had told them. As for Tar, what had I said? Did she hear about it? I could never look at her again. I was no more then a common drunk.

“Stop blubbering, Jerome!” Joseph cried and thumped me in the stomach. I was immediately sick. “You sure botched things with that girl.” Joseph said as he dunked me in the stream. In the drinking water too. I was too miserable to point that out. “My advice is to ditch her and start clean with another one.” Joseph continued. Who wanted his rotten advice anyway.

“No!” I moaned. I was not quite certain if I was saying no to ditching Tar, getting dunked or to being sick again. But at the moment it did not really matter, I was in to much pain to care.

Joseph left me to sleep my migraine off in the barn. I was too miserable to care what he told the dwarves. I figured it did not matter what he told Tar, she probably never wanted to see me again anyway. Who wants to be seen with a slobbering drunk anyway? I slept most of the day, but towards evening, I awoke to see someone sneaking around. It was the witch. She pulled off her hood, then settled herself down in the straw. She took her hair off. I am certain I had to be hallucinating. I blinked a few times. Under her gray hair was thick reddish golden hair, quite beautiful. I did not see much more because I fell asleep again.

Day 31

I woke up today with a raging hunger, but also with a very clear impression of the old hag's visit. It had been no hallucination. The hag must have been Tar's jealous stepmother. I got up and staggered out of the barn only to run into Rapunzel and one of her beastly children.

“So you decided to get up at last!” she snarled.

“There was a-” I got no further,

“Never mind!” she snapped, “The Dwarves took Tar, Joseph and the rest of my friends to the village. I elected to stay with one of the children, Lilandal.” she nodded towards the small girl in her arms, “Because you needed someone to look after you.” Jerome flushed.

“You need not have staid!” he muttered sullenly. Rapunzel's eyes narrowed.

“I know! But you are irresponsible!” she said coldly, “But anyway I stayed.”

I slunk after Rapunzel into the cottage, where she served me pottage. It tasted like sawdust, but I ate it anyway. As we ate, Rapunzel started to talk. It seems like she did not know when to shut her mouth.

“Well this old woman comes to the window,” she said suddenly. My hair stood up on end. She had seen the old hag?

“Go on.” I mumbled.

“Well she starts to offer me an apple,” Rapunzel continued, “then she stops and says, 'where is Ebo- I mean Tar?' I told her to get lost!” my hair stood up on end. The hag was trying to rub Tar out. The wretched traitor. In a halting voice I told her about the other two attempted murders.

“I think she was trying to give Tar a poisoned apple.” I whispered.

“You and I, and of course Lilandal, will follow her and see where she is coming from!” Rapunzel said coolly, “I am not married to your brother for nothing!” I failed to see what this had to do with anything.

We followed the old lady's tracks for nearly all day before Rapunzel took pity on my and gave me a loaf of good tasting bread. That old lady was pretty spry. She led us down the mountain, halfway up another one then down into a valley. It was a hidden valley. To get to it, you had to pass through a thin curtain of a waterfall. We only found it, because we saw the hag go through it. On the other side in a luscious green valley was a small sparkling castle of smooth reddish stone.

“Now Joseph would like a place like this.” Rapunzel said, “Neatly hidden away.” I did not doubt her, but neither did I care.

Day 32

Early this morning we sneaked down into the valley. I could not believe I left my sword in the barn. It would probably have proved useful down here. Unfortunately there did not appear to be anyway into the castle except over a twenty foot gorge and through the front door. Neither Rapunzel nor I stopped to think about the plan, we simply crossed that bridge and went through the gate. I wonder why neither of us stopped to think up a plan. Luckily there were no sign of guards. Most likely because they thought no one would be able to find the castle. It was similar to my father's castle, just smaller and more comfortable. We only saw two people. A man in a leather jerkin with an ax and a thin sour faced woman in a wimple. Neither looked happy.

“Where are all the people?” I muttered, “This place is very creepy. It is like a- oh I do not know a dead- what?” I had just noticed Rapunzel's face. She was glowering.

“Hush up!” she said sharply, “Lets check one of those doors.” She handed me Lilandal and opened the door, the maid had come out of. I held the child awkwardly in my arms and peered over Rapunzel's head. It was a rich bedroom. Something like father's chamber, but with thicker rugs and richer tapestries. The bed curtains were made with gold thread too. There was a lot of other things, but I did not really notice them. I am a man so I did not care either. I like simple anyway. Lying on the bed was an old white bearded man. Seated next to him was a gorgeous lady in a white gown. She had hair like rippling reddish gold, a color my brother James is partial too. She had lips like two dead worms and eyes like cat eyes. I am told that is considered lovely, but I have not learned why.

“Genteel.” the man on the bed murmured, “Where are my little girls.”

“Darling.” the woman cooed, “I told you, I had to kill them.” At this point my hair stood up on end, but Genteel was still talking, “I needed to eat their hearts in order to stay young!” my hair stood up even further and I nearly dropped Liliandal. “You would not want me old and ugly, would you my lord?” the woman tittered, “Like you.” My jaw dropped. Not only was she disgusting, she was rude too.

“Of course not, it had to be done.” the man said. My jaw dropped further and my eyes bulged. I was so mad that I accidentally pinched Liliandal. She screamed. The evil lady whirled. Her yellow eyes stared at me, for one horrible second, then Rapunzel yanked the door shut. Then she used one braid to knot the handle to a hook in the wall, so making kind of a latch. Then she took out her knife and cut the braid off. By this time the witch was banging on the door. Rapunzel found a pantry and we hid in empty barrels. Mine was uncomfortable and stank like fish. I am not complaining about our new nightly camp, it was well stocked on food, but it was extra uncomfortable.

Day 33

The search seemed to have died down. Perhaps the witch thought we had left. But anyway the search seemed to have died off and the witch seemed to left. I wanted to get back to Tar. I was pretty certain the witch was going to try and kill her again. But we were lost. For a small castle it was nigh onto impossible to find one's way around. I am fairly positive that the witch put some sort of evil spell on the place so we could not get out. I tested my theory, by turning around opening the door we had just come out of. I nearly screamed. It had changed from a corridor to a large empty room. The only furniture being an empty table and a large floor to ceiling wall mirror at the top of five steps.

“We might as well make ourselves comfortable.” Rapunzel sighed as she walked into the room and sat down on the table, “We are not leaving until that witch says we can.” I had to kick something, so I went over to the mirror and kicked it. There were two reasons to kick the mirror. First because, I just had to kick something, and secondly because I deserved a kick.

To my horror, there was a flash, the second my foot made contact with the glass. I jumped backwards, tripped and rolled down the steps. A shadowy person had appeared in the mirror.

“What do you desire?” a deep voice boomed. A lot of things, but I was a little tongue tied.

“Who is the owner of this miserable excuse of a castle?” Rapunzel demanded.

“Do not encourage it!” I yelled. Mirrors should not talk, in my opinion.

“The king of of the Shadow People!” the mirror boomed.

“Who is the blond witch?” I asked. Rapunzel scowled at me.

“The second wife of the king!” the mirror replied.

“Who are his girls?” Rapunzel demanded.

“The princesses Snow White and Ebony Black.” the mirror said.

“Where are they?” Rapunzel cried. I thought this was a useless question because Genteel had already said she ate their hearts. The mirror clouded over, then a scene unfolded. There appeared to be a swirling ice storm. A girl, whom I first mistook to be Tar was standing in it, waiting. Then I realized it was not Tar and the storm was coming from the girl. The picture faded and another took its place. The next scene was actually Tar. She was standing inside the dwarves' holding an apple.

“No!” I yelled. Tar dropped the apple and clutched at her throat, while trying to spit out the apple. The hag reached through the window and knocked Tar over. The girl sank to the floor and lay unmoving. Then the scene faded.

“Who is Tar Feather?” I choked.

“The princess Ebony Black, noted for her intelligence and beauty.” the mirror roared. I must have been missing something. Tar was neither beautiful nor intelligent.

“How do we get out of here?” I yelled at the mirror.

“Genteel has but a spell making it impossible to leave.” the mirror said, “But there is one way, I am a door.”

“Thank you!” Rapunzel cried, but I was already prying the mirror door open. We had to crawl through a narrow musty smelling tunnel. Liliandal would not stop crying. I may have joined in a few times.

Day 34

We had to climb down the twenty foot gorge, walk across the floor of it, then climb up the other side. Rapunzel used her remaining braid to lash Liliandal to her back. Once we got out of the gorge we had to pick our way through brush and shadows towards the waterfall. It took half the day to get out of that wretched valley and the rest of the day to get home.

Day 35

The Sun was just beginning to rise when we reached the cottage. There was no one there, nor in the barn or smithy. We did not check the mines.

“Hello?” I yelled, “Tar? Hendrick? Marik? Milik? Jalick? Fenrick? Anlick? Sanlick?” there was no answer. A chill crept over me. Had they not gotten back from the village yet? Maybe Tar was alright after all.

“Joseph?” Rapunzel screeched., “Rowan? Shem?” there was still no answer. I rushed down to the stream and looked around. Then I saw them. There was a little outlook, which made the stream curve. Resting on the outlook was a glass coffin. The seven dwarves were grouped around it, there caps in their hands, their heads bowed.

“Tar?” I yelled and splashed through the water. Rowan, from Joseph's band jumped out of a bush at me.

“Oh you!” he said. I would have retorted, but I was in a hurry.

“Rowan, what happened?” Rapunzel yelled from the bank. I rushed past Rowan and scampered up onto the outlook.

“She is dead!” Marik moaned, “It is my fault. I was not watching carefully.” Tar dead? She was lying covered with a white blanket, her dark hair was lose around her face, making her seem paler then ever. She looked as if she was asleep. This was all my fault, if I had o't gotten drunk, that one night. I would have been awake to go to town with the others. Then later be at hand to stop a murder instead of gorging myself in a pantry.

Day 36

I miss Tar. I know I do. I do not care how ugly or dumb she is. I do not care how angry she made me. I miss her! I also owe her an apology. But it is too late now. I just want to die! I am going to stay here at her side forever. Taking care of her grave is the only way I can show her how sorry I am for the way I treated her. Rowan just told me I was way too dramatic. I have seen some of his entries in Joseph's diary, he is one to talk about being dramatic.

Day 37

Joseph returned today and was joyfully reunited with Rapunzel. He did not come alone. He brought Elise and all my brothers except Justin. They thought I had been kidnapped. I am really surprised that John was back from his pirate hunting. Justin could not come because, his wife did not want him too. She planned to have a baby just as Joseph went to get Justin. Rude if you ask me. Of course none of them could know the pain I was feeling. None of them had lost any of their friends. Elise does not count, she is just a kid. But they could be there for me. The way they acted, no one would know they were princes. James made a fairly tolerable miner, but then he had a good nose for finding riches. Jadan and John took more pleasure then they should have at blacksmithing. Hendrick nearly smiled, while showing them a few things. How could he be so unfaithful to Tar? First my mother, now Tar! I will never care for another women, ever again. Elise still does not count. My brothers are doing a poor job trying to convince me to go home, which was their original plan once they rescued me. Now they are just enjoying themselves.

Day 38

I nearly killed James today. He dared to ask why Tar's body had not decomposed yet. As if anyone could decay her. She would probably bore the decay to death. Justin walked in just then, and so interrupted our little tiff. He was beaming.

“We had another set of twins!” he said triumphantly. I had never hated anyone so much as it hated my grinning brothers. Justin was the worst.

“Better you then me!” James said cheerfully. As the others offered their congratulations. Justin turned towards me. I was not going to congratulate him.

“Can I see her?” he asked, “I heard she is in in a real glass coffin.” Suddenly I had a premonition that I would regret something for life, but I took my brothers to the coffin.

Jalik was taking a turn guarding the coffin when we reached. Tar, or Ebony whichever you want to call her, still looked as sweet as when she had died. At least I supposed that is what a sweet expression is. I do not have much use for sweet expressions though. Justin approached the coffin and studied it, then he looked from me to Jalik.

“So, um- what exactly did the doctor say?” he asked. Doctor?

“What doctor?” I blurted out.

“Did you not get a doctor for her, when she first god ill?” Justin asked, “I mean, I do not know much about doctoring, but I spent a long time watching over a girl under a sleeping spell, I do not think Tar is dead.” I could not move. It would be even more awkward if Tar woke up and someone told her how I had been behaving for the last three days. Lamenting, her.

“I will get a doctor.” Jalik said.

Day 39

Jalik returned with an annoyed looking doctor. John and Jadan removed the lid. Justin was looking really smug. The doctor inspected Tar.

“Yup, she is alive!” he said. At least I can stop feeling guilty now.

“Humph!” the dwarves muttered. They were as humiliated as I was. How dumb could we get?

“Can you wake her up?” Rapunzel asked.

“Of course not!” the doctor grumbled, “I am no magician. If you could find out what caused the spell, I might have a chance.”

“Jerome, the apple!” Rapunzel cried. I was already prying Tar's mouth open. There is a lot of things I hate, but possibly the worst one was rooting around inside someone's mouth. It was horrible. There was a chunk of chewed up fermenting apple inside her. I pulled it out and hurled it in the stream.

“Ew!” my brothers gagged.

“Hey, that is our drinking water.” Milik grunted. Everyone, including me gagged.

“Oops!” Joseph said with a sideways look at me. I nearly got sick right then and there. It was a good thing none of the others knew what else had been washed in the drinking water.

“Wh-what happened?” Tar grunted. The dwarves cheered. Then my brothers and the doctor joined in. I lifted Tar out of the coffin and tested her feet. She stood pretty well for someone who has been dead a couple of days. I kissed her hand like a gallant prince. My brothers gagged. They had no right to do it. They were all married and did it frequently. Rapunzel hit Joseph. But I was not paying attention to them anymore. I was to busy looking at Tar. The mirror might have been onto something when he said she was beautiful.

Day 40 and then some

We returned to my father's house. Somehow the story got out that I married Tar and we made her stepmother dance in red hot shoes until she dropped dead. That is a lie! I did not marry Tar right away. She was only fifteen. We decided to wait until she was older. Well, Jadan decided anyway. My brothers wanted me to come home, but I want to stay with the dwarves. I feel more needed there. Maybe I will go back after I get married. My mother could hardly be disappointed in my choice of a wife. She is a real princess.

The End

This Ends the Prince Charming Diaries

~E