Monday, July 3, 2017

Prince Charming's Diary, part 1

I have started the next prince diary. Hopefully this one is not super boring. John is way more laid back then his brothers. Also in this one, there will be more of Jerome and Elise and much less of the older boys. This story takes place a year after the last diary. So all the older boys have kids.
Another thing, Sir Patrono is from "The Red Lion" books, and Ben Horsemaster is the horsemaster's apprentice in the "Shadow Warrior" series.

Prince Charming's Diary
Prince John

Day One
I am nineteen years old, nearly twenty. I have really black ragged hair, that never stays flat, and a beard that refuses to grow beyond a sick wispy thing. I am a very boring person, I will admit. I have read some of my brothers diaries and know that I will have nothing interesting to write. Jaden and his wife Elaine are ruling her father's kingdom now. Justin and his wife Eleanor, are ruling her father's kingdom. James and his wife Belle are ruling what used to be Grandfather's summer palace. Joseph, my twin brother, refuses to rule any place, he would rather be a thief, I am not sure if I should be embarrassed or not. Mother refuses to speak to him anymore. But even he is married. Her name is Rapunzel. Unfortunately she is a thief and was raised by a witch. At least that is what Joseph says, but I have long learned that one can never really believe Joseph. He exaggerates like crazy.

The reason why I have started this diary was because I need someone to complain too. James and Belle have the ugliest little girl ever. Jaden and Elaine have the ugliest little boy. With this kind of record I shudder to imagine what Joseph and Rapunzel's child looks like. Mother will not let them back, so I guess I will never know. Justin and Eleanor have twins, that surprisingly, do not look to bad. But guess who has the job of big loveable boring uncle babysitter? Yes, me! Four children, and three of them boys. I have to take care of them all! I am terrified that there will be more coming. In fact I know another one is coming. Elise says they are all adorable. She must be addled somewhere. Elise is my little sister. Jerome is my little brother. Neither of them are married. Luckily for me, or I would obviously be invited to visit them every other week and end up non-stop babysitting. Now before you all die of boredom, I shall stop writing.

Day 2
Master Won is the most annoying person I have ever known. He has taught all of my siblings and myself how to dance. Only Elise, Jerome and I still take lessons now. But anyway about Master Won. I have made a list of his most annoying quirks.
  1. He is shorter then all of us. About 5' 3'' I think.
  2. He wears spectacles
  3. He talks with a stupid accent
  4. He thinks he is charming
  5. He has better manners then me
  6. He looks down on me
  7. He picks favorites
  8. He eats really slowly
  9. He wears perfume
  10. His dancing shoes are hideous.

I could go one, but I believe I have made a point. Anyway, he has been trying to teach Jerome the spin crack for five years now. Jerome stops listening after the first five seconds. By the time Master Won has finished demonstrating with either Elise or his assistant, Jerome will have this glassy look in his eyes, and has just finished putting the finishing touches on three different major battle plans, yet he can remember nothing about the dancing. I learned it by watching it so many times. UGH!

Day 3
My third day writing in my diary of complaints. Imagine that. I have not quit yet. Perhaps there is still hope for me. Anyway, today's complaints. Next to Master Won, the worst person I know is Sir Patrono. First of all that is not a name that can even be pronounced, secondly he is a first rate foreigner who is an even bigger jerk. Here is my list if dislikes about him.
  1. He brags about how amazing he is
  2. He thinks everyone in his rotten kingdom is better then me
  3. He is a foreigner
  4. He thinks I am a wimp
  5. He freaks out if anyone touches his precious sword
  6. Rants about the decline of the seven kingdoms
  7. Talks about the good old days nonstop (he cannot be much older then Jaden, what on Royaume is the good old days?)

Imagine that only seven problems. I must admit Sir Patrono is better then Master Won. They did not like each other. This morning, as Sir Patrono was coming out of the stable with his precious sword, Master Won came mincing out of the garden and tripped the knight. Sir Patrono fell flat on his face. I must admit I laughed. Jerome said he would have laughed if it was anyone else except Master Won tripping him. Jerome cannot stand the dancing instructor. I must go now, because Jerome and Elise just shot over the shrubbery, that means I have to babysit someone. Hopefully not the little beast.

Day 4
Oh yes everyone, rejoice another day to listen to my complaints. Sometimes, my dear diary, I think you are my only friend! You certainly are the only one who listens to me. Anyway, today Ben Horsemaster taught me how to ride backwards on a horse. Why do I need to ride backwards on a horse? When Jerome voiced this question, the horsemaster started roaring with laughter. Obviously he thought something was hysterically funny about it. It was not until Jerome and I both threatened to drown him and all the horses, that he finally explained.
“If your horse is galloping away from an enemy, and you have a bow, you can easily sit backwards on the horse and shoot comfortably, instead of twisting around into an uncomfortable precarious position.” he explained. How dumb!
“Did you invent this new miracle of a position?” Jerome asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
“No, an old acquaintance of mine.” Ben said coolly.

Oh, I forgot to give you my list of grievances against the hysterical horsemaster. It will probably be short, because I like him better then the others.
  1. He is always laughing and not sharing the joke
  2. He is a foreigner
  3. He thinks my beastly niece and nephews are adorable
  4. Sometimes he teaches us dumb things and thinks they are amazing

So you can see, he less of a list then my other two teachers. But I still would prefer it if I did not have to take any of these lessons. Father says if I am going to rule his kingdom, I have to be smarter then all my brothers combined. It is not fair. Jaden is the real heir. Why do I have to rule in his place, just because Elaine's father had no sons, and made him heir is hardly an excuse. I think he would be quite capable of ruling two kingdoms.