Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The Diary of a NOT so Charming Prince, part 9

The Diary of a Not So Charming Prince
Prince Joseph's diary

Day 19
Dear half dead me,
I am half drowned by rain! Half dead with cold! Half starved! Half blind- alright maybe not quite that! But I am half dead! We have been wandering around in a swamp all night. So in the future when a lady you are trying to impress asks to see the world, give her sweets instead. Because, believe me when I say there is no way you can impress a lady when you are sitting up to your shoulders in mud and crying like a baby for your nice comfortable bed! Not that I did that of course! Just almost!

I was half asleep and caked with an even layer of dry mud, when an arrow slammed into the ground between my feet. Punz started growling and snarling from the relative safety of behind my back. Rapunzel screamed and grabbed Polo around the neck. I was glad that I was on the other side of Polo otherwise she might have tried strangling me.

“It looks like we are being attacked!” I commented as I scraped crusty mud off my nose. Rapunzel glared at me.
Where would you get that idea?” she demanded. From the arrow obviously. About ten or so people in ragged brown and green tunics shuffled out of the scraggly trees. Punz snarled at them. I booted him forward.
Get over there and protect us!” I ordered. A small child person with dirty blond hair threw a rock at my poor dog. Punz put his tail between his legs and shot off through the mud whimpering. So much for his rotten loyalty.
Your dog is as cowardly as you!” Rapunzel informed me as she unwrapped her arms from Polo's neck. This is hardly fair since I was no coward. Why I could even best Jaden at a shooting match! Isn't that bravery?

“What do we do with these persons?” the small blond haired boy asked. A big man who was twice as fat as me and head yellowed teeth leered at us.
Bring 'em along Rowan!” he sneered. I drew my sword. That is when someone hit me from behind. OUCH! Some people just have no sense of a fair fight!
Joseph ill-used
Day 20
Dear brave me,
I awoke with a really bad headache. Oh my aching head. I could not even think clearly. I was lying on my side, staring at a blindingly bright fire, in what I suppose was a cave. I was also bound and stretched out in a puddle. Rowan the rotten little blond haired thief was polishing a saddle next to the fire. It was not just an saddle, it was MY saddle!
Thief!” I croaked. Rowan did not even bother to look up, the filthy cur.
Joseph, you are awake.” Rapunzel cried from behind me. She did not need to point out the obvious.
Yes! Now untie me!” I yelped.
I am sorry, but-”
No talking!” Rowan ordered solemnly. I clamped my mouth shut. What had these monsters done to Polo? I hoped Punz had the sense to run home. Rowan got up and began to stir something in a bot.
What is that?” Rapunzel asked. She sounded perfectly at ease. I rolled over on my back, so I could see her. Her long hair was covered in mud, dirt and twigs, but her face was perfectly calm.
Horse stew!” Rowan said.
MONSTER!” I screamed, angry tears stinging my eyes.

I do not know how long I lay in that mucky puddle mourning for my ill-behaved horse, but I finally came to my senses, when Rapunzel started poking me.
Why can a fellow not even mourn his horse without a rude interruption?” I yelled.
Really Joseph?” Rapunzel said, she sounded slightly disgusted, “Your precious horse is standing right behind you.” I squinted backwards.
Oh.” I said flatly. Polo stared at me then nickered softly.
Your friend is a big idiot!” Rowan told Rapunzel. She laughed. I scowled. That was hurtful.

“You know you will get caught.” I blustered, trying to cover up my embarrassment, my face felt like it was burning.
Oh we can get out of it easily.” Rowan said calmly as he tasted what was not Polo stew.
Have you ever been caught before?” Rapunzel asked.
If not he soon will be!” I snapped. I wondered what this little snob would say if he knew I was a prince. Probably make my father pay a ransom for me. I scowled even harder. Father would be glad of the excuse to be rid of me forever.
Yes.” Rowan said quietly, “It was almost seventeen years ago.”
Seventeen years ago?” I repeated, “How old are you?”
I am assuming it was before you were born.” Rapunzel said with a smile, “And you mean it was your gang caught, not you.” Rowan nodded.
Seven years before. My father and three of his brothers, they run this group, stole some cabbage from a witch.” he said. I imagine that went poorly.
And this witch caught them?” Rapunzel prompted.
How did you escape?” I asked. Rowan's eyes narrowed.
Father exchanged my sister for their freedom.” he said. Rapunzel choked.
Gross!” I said. What kind of vulgar no good father uses his daughter's life to save his own wretched skin?

Our charming little conversation was interrupted as two large men, with hair that resembled straw stacks, entered the cave.
So what are we doing with these two?” the older man asked.
Do ya think we could maybe git a ransom for 'em?” the other one asked.
Na.” his companion grunted, “Look at there clothes. They is poor grungy peasants!” I gritted my teeth, but kept my mouth shut. For once I was thinking straight and not loosing my temper. The second man pulled on his neckerchief and let his tongue protrude from his mouth and his eyes bulged.
How about a sudden drop?” he asked. I felt my blood begin to curdle.
Excellent Nibs.” the older man said, “I shall fetch the others, you git the rope.”

Once they were gone, I let out a long agonized wail. You would probably have done the same thing if you knew that you were going to be hung.
We are going to be hung and turned into crows meat!” I bellowed.
Tell your dumb friend to shut up!” Rowan said. Rapunzel inched towards me.
Joseph calm down.” she said. I hesitated. Rowan drew a knife.
UGH!” I screamed. Rapunzel winced. Rowan rolled his eyes and marched over to us. I sat up. A surprising accomplishment, if you consider that I was tied up. I inched in front of Rapunzel.
Fight an unarmed man will you?” I snarled. He rolled his eyes again. I was seriously getting sick of this idiot, with his eye rolling and I am better then you attitude. He grabbed me by the neck. I closed my eyes. The cold steal sliced through my shirt and barely grazed my skin. I jerked my eyes opened with another yelp. Rowan was cutting me free. Then he moved on to Rapunzel.

Once we were free, Rowan grabbed Polo's bridle and led him over to us. I reached for the saddle, but Rowan grabbed my arm and threatened me with the knife.
You take your lady friend and get out of here.” he said, “The saddle stays with me.”
Why?” I asked angrily, “That's my-”
The gems encrusted in the side will sell quite well.” Rowan said smoothly, “They will bring us a fortune!”
Monster!” I snarled, but I put Rapunzel on Polo's back and climbed up behind her. That saddle was a gift from my father. John had one just like it. Justin and James also had matching saddles too. It was part of the perks of being a twin.

Once we had left the cave far behind, Rapunzel remarked on the fact that there was no thieves anywhere near the mouth of the cave.
It is almost as if they wanted us to escape.” she said. What a fool! Who complains that they escaped easily?
But they still got my saddle!” I grumbled out loud. Rapunzel kicked me. It was an awkward kick since she was sitting in front of me on a galloping horse.
How can you talk about a saddle at a time like this?” she cried.
It was my special saddle!” I mumbled.
That boy, Rowan.” she said, ignoring me, “He was my brother!” I froze. How could he be her brother? What about her scary mama, and sister Gothel?
What?” I squawked.
I'm serious, if they sold me for a handful of cabbage then that boy is my sister! After all my mama is a witch!” Oh gross my future in-law is going to be a witch?
Joseph the very shocked prince
P.S.
I did not say my mama was a witch! And she most certainly is not going to be your future in-law, unless you are planning on marrying Gothel!
~Rapunzel

Me again,
DUH!

Rapunzel speaking,
What is that supposed to mean?

Me again,
Would you leave my stupid diary alone?

Rapunzel speaking,
Why are you so grouchy?

Me again,
I am so not answering that!

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