The Diary of a Not So Charming Prince, part 15

The Diary of a Not So Charming Prince

Prince Joseph's diary

Day 35

Dear Joseph,

I wonder if anyone ever told Joseph he was a blunder donkey? If I had been his father, I definitely would have told him. Oops! Maybe I should not have said that out loud. He looks murderous. Eek! He is telling me that he going to slit my throat with a pen if I do not shut up!

Today was rather dull. After you past the quicksand, which I was pushed into by a rabid raccoon, and then rescued by a blind man, there is not much else to say. We heard singing. More like screeching actually. Joseph insisted that it was my own sister Rapunzel, who I like to refer to, as his lady love. That is why I stepped in quicksand. I was following the imaginary singing of a blind man's lost lady love. What a cruel world, I live in!

Rowan Thief's boy

Day 36

Dear Rotten Joseph,

I knew we should never have followed that siren screeching. It was to beautiful to- I mean to hideous to be coming from anyone other then a witch. A witch who wanted to drag us into the middle of Royaume's largest pokeberry path and leave us there, suspended from a million and a half thorns. I look as if I had been flogged. Which means I will have to take a bath and a treatment from Granny when I get safely back to my cave. It really is not fair. I just had my annul bath, two months ago. My only consolation is that Joseph looks like a walking dead man. Or an extra large meat chop. However you like to picture it.

What I am actually trying to say here, is that by following the sound of Joseph's imaginary singing love, we got lost. Lost in a bramble patch, where the thorns are three feet long, on a bad day, and twenty feet on a good day. The point is, if we do not leave this patch of death behind, all that will be left of us, will be our bones, and maybe a small patch of hair.

Rowan Thief's boy

Day 37

Dear Gloater,

I detest people who were wrong, then by some lousy miracle turn out to be right. I call them gloaters, because they have a special song, which they force you to sing with them. It goes something like this.

“Is that a house up ahead.”

“More like a stringy hut.”

“That's where the singing comes from.”

“I tell you, no one is singing.”

“But there is the hut as proof!”

“Whatever.”

“You said there would be no hut/house/tower/person, at the end of our search.” This is where the chorus comes in.

I told you so. La La. I told you so.

You did not listen to me, when I was right.

You were wrong. Admit it old pal.

I was right. LA LA.

I am usually right, but does anyone ever listen to me?

NO!

You were wrong! I told you so!

I told YOU so!

I hate that song. Anyone can sing it. I may have sung it on occasion. But it is always the worst, when a blind man sings it in a smug voice, because he literally did the impossible and led the expedition. Well, tomorrow we shall beard this dragon's hut. I pray it will be empty. Then I can sing the chorus, and trample the dumb prince to pulp.

Rowan Thief's boy

Day 38

Dear Joseph,

As we approached the house, early today, my knees began to knock. I was not scared mind you. What possibly could scare me in an empty hut. Joseph was scared. His teeth were clicking together like a row of silly dancers. My knees were just shaking because they could no longer support me. Joseph rapped on the door, while I glanced around the corner of the hut. To check for spies of course. The door opened and a very tall woman with stick blond hair opened the door. She also had a hairless pet of some kind in her arms.

“Oh.” she said.

“Oh hello Mama Gascony, was I expected?” Joseph asked. Did he know nothing about witches? You never talk to them. You show them your back, heels and how fast you can run.

“Shall we say yes.” the Gascony creature hissed. I felt like snakes were binding me down.

“Can we come in?” Joseph asked. I wished I had his neck between my fingers.

“We?” the horror whispered. Her creature let out a croak that froze every drop of blood in my veins. Then he let out a yap, that sounded like he was being strangled.

“My friend.” Joseph said. I hate him.

“Come out of the tree sweetheart.” she said in the cooing voice of a spider that was inviting a fly into its web. I fell to the ground with a painful crunch. I had thought there was a dragon in the tree, I was trying to protect my blind dummy. I was not hiding from anyone.

Can you imagine how horrified I was, when Joseph followed that woman into the hut. If he could have seen her, he would have run. He would have run really far. I ran after him and grabbed his arm and told him so.

“Since I cannot see her, I am not afraid.” he told me smugly. I almost wished I was blind.

“Rats.” was all I said.

“She is the one that made me blind in the first place.” he hissed. Now I know he is crazy. What sane man walks back into the lair of the wretch that ruined his eyes?

Inside the hut was interesting. There was a girl with very short dull blond hair, chained to the wall, and gagged, with what I could only guess, was a dirty sock. There was Joseph's mangy mutt rapped in ropes and tied to a large stone. There was no furniture. What a miserable place. The girl in the chains began to struggle wildly. She looked familiar. Maybe a distant cousin of someone I had robbed.

“Where is Rapunzel?” Joseph asked.

“How sweet.” Gascony sneered, “A blind man who still searches heroically for his lost sweetheart.” I was just about to say those exact words. Now I believe I will just keep my mouth shut and write.

The door whimpered, and struggled weakly. Joseph shuffled past Gascony and her horrifying rodent.

“Dog?” he whispered. The poor creature whimpered and tried to wag its tail.

“What happened to the cute name, Lasso?” Gascony sneered.

“I had a nasty relationship with another lasso.” Joseph snarled. Who names there dog Lasso?

“What happened to sweet Punz?” Gascony smirked, “A tribute to my daughter, of course.” What a rotten woman. Rapunzel is not her daughter! The cabbage witch!

“I was in a battle of puns.” Joseph muttered, “I could not take the strain.”

“So you call him Dog?” Gascony sneered, “How pathetic.”

“If you say so.” Joseph said. He sat down on the floor, cross legged. “I am going to talk you to death.” I will not write anymore. Everything they say is bordering on boring.

Rowan Thief's boy

P.S.

I awoke somewhere around the middle of the night. It was pitch black in the hut, but I could still hear Joseph and Gascony arguing over the cure for Maim Disease.

“I tell you, I have magic mirror that can tell me anything.” Gascony was screaming.

“So ask him who is fairer then you, it will be every girl that ever existed.

“One petal of a sun flower.” Gascony snarled.

“Whoops a daisy girl.” Joseph yodeler, “But I tell you otherwise.” Amazing. I just learned the cure for the deadliest disease on Royaume. I wonder if I could sell it?

Day 39

Dear Joseph,

I suppose today is what Joseph would call the happiest day of your life? He is such a fool! I awoke, long after the sun was up, to find by Joseph and Gascony sagging against the walls.

“I will never let you win.” Gascony croaked. Her voice sounded like someone had torn her throat out.

“Then Jerome told Jaden to tell Justin, that John was taking lessons from James. Jerome was afraid to to tell Justin, even thought Jerome was his elder.” Joseph was croaking gaily. Who were all these boys and why did they start with J?

“Enough!” Gascony screeched.

“The reason Jerome did not want to tell Justin, about James giving John lessons, was because James was his twin, his younger twin, so he feels responsible for-”

“I give up!” Gascony moaned, “You know to many Js.”

“What is the cure?” Joseph asked gleefully. A glint entered Gascony's eyes.

“Did you think I would tell you?” she snarled, “You will still be blind forever! HAHA!” then she tossed the hairless rodent at the prince.

“UGH!” Joseph screamed as the little monster started taring at his throat. I jumped to my feet, grabbed the little mutt by the tail and yanked him off of the prince. The horror twisted around and sank razor sharp teeth right into my hand. I started screaming and dancing around. The monster still attached to my hand.

Joseph crawled over to the dog, and sliced through his ropes, with his knife. The dog bounded to his feet, shook himself out, then launched himself at me. I screamed louder. I was going to die. Killed by a midget with sharp teeth and a monster with equally sharp teeth.

“Sic him Dog!” Joseph yelled. Dog grabbed the rodent in his sharp, sharp teeth and snapped him in two. Gross! But beautiful! Gascony screamed and rushed through the wall. Literally ran through the wall and vanished. My hand felt like it was on fire. I could see the bone. Ouch!

The prince crawled over to the girl. It was really beginning to bother me that her face was familiar, but I could not place her.

“Rapunzel?” Joseph gasped.

“Wrong girl!” I squealed, as I continued to dance around the room. “This one has no hair.” Then it hit me. Gascony cut Rapunzel's hair. I felt like an idiot. I stood there gawking, while Joseph untied her gag. He sure moved well for a blind man.

“Joseph?” she sobbed, “What has she done to you?” I ran for the door. The scene that followed was, what I would call the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed. Dog followed me. Obviously he could not bare it either. I guess there is nothing more to write for now.

Rowan Thief's boy